✨ Noctium Inbox

[blastedass]

« Great Explosion Murder God » 💥 Dynamight 💥 TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION Katsuki Bakugou ✦ My Hero Academia
RESIDENCE ✦ Bakugou / Midoriya Residence
GEMBOND ✦ Ruby
"Katsuki Bakugo. Make it fast or hang the fuck up."

INFO ✧ PERMISSIONS ✧ KINKLIST ✧ EXTRA

Comments

[defendure]

Then why say we should? [ Katsuki's the one who brought it up, and Izuku's smile is maybe a little puzzled. ]

You won't want to do things with me when we're there again, but I won't remember you tolerating it now. So it won't be something that I'll even know to miss and it won't be something that you'll know to mind.

[blastedass]

Cause you want to here. I know we won't remember, but there are things I want to take back with me.

[Call it stupid wishful thinking.]

The fuck-?! I did things with you AND the extras when we were back home! Training, the concert, festival games!

[Rare dinner where he bitched at Half-n-Half for fucking up the chives.]

[defendure]

In those cases I just happened to be there or you were mostly interested in All Might...I mean, we can have normal conversations back home these days, and that's more than I could have ever asked for.

[ He's already said before he'd like to remember, but Katsuki hasn't before. Usually he just says they can't. ]

I definitely wouldn't be thinking about going to an escape room with you. But it's nice to do it here.

[blastedass]

I wasn't training with you JUST because All Might fucking told me to!

[As their "normal" conversation gets a bit pitched on Katsuki's side. Which... is normal. He's still giving Izuku the stink eye, like he's affronted the other boy thinks so low of him. Even though Katsuki's got no one to blame but himself for those thoughts.

Anyways... probably shouldn't have said that up there.]

We don't even know what's going to happen after that war.

[Katsuki knows Izuku survives, but he never asked about himself, even though his pride instantly rages a few puncture wounds wouldn't be anywhere near enough to kill him.]

[defendure]

[ Katsuki isn't the one he's thinking of in a lower way, and he looks mostly apologetic when Katsuki starts growling. ]

No, we don't.

[blastedass]

[Not convincing him of that with such an answer, but he gets off the topic anyways and shoves his hands into his pockets.]

Would you want to know what happens?

[defendure]

Yes. [ Same reason he wanted to tell All Might. Izuku doesn't expand on it for that reason; he's looking out the window now, idly.

It's not really fun to think about home. Things aren't good there, and he feels guilty for going out to just have fun when things are so bad where they came from...

So the smile is gone, at least, and now it's just a little worried frown. ]

[blastedass]

[It's not a topic that Katsuki breeches very often for the same reasons. Always casts a pallor over whatever they're doing. But it's also one of the few things they can agree on and have some semblance of an uncombative conversation.

Katsuki gazes at the seat back in front of him, losing himself in thought for a while. There are people he wants to see at home, things he wants to know. And yet part of him wonders if it would be good to know despite his mind immediately answering the same way Izuku had. What would it hurt to know what happened? Not like they could do anything about it here.

But if he tells Izuku he survived, the other boy would end up needlessly fretting over whether Katsuki made it or not. It'd lead to more troubling emotions.]

Maybe someone will come a lot further ahead of us.

[defendure]

Probably...

[ But whether that would be good or bad remains to be seen. He's already so worried about all of it. What happened after that battle?

Izuku slumps in his seat, mentally replaying it again for the millionth time.

Here, he can't do anything about it. And the things he does and cares about here matter only to him, and only so long as he's here.

...so he's thoroughly out of good cheer for the time being as he frets, and they're at least in agreement on that. It does mean he lets Katsuki sit in silence without trying to pick the conversation up again to fill the ride with chatter, though, so there's that upside. ]

[blastedass]

[It's the upside. He's left dealing with his own thoughts. Some of it going back home to the war, wondering what else the villains were going to pull out of their fucking bag before everything was over. Some of it was about his life here and how things with Izuku never lose their turbulence. It can seem to be going so well, but one word or comment wrong can end up blowing up and sending the entire thing shaking. Not exactly unusual for them. And still other thoughts go internal towards himself, picking at his own issues and wondering what developments here versus those potentials back are going to result in. He won't take anything from here back to their world, so... is that a good thing or a bad thing? He'll lose a lot... but who knows what happens in the future?

It's an unfortunate melancholy bus ride on what should've been their first date. Katsuki has to wrestle with that thought too. Playing back things in his head, what was said and what was assumed to be inferred from those words. Fretting isn't going to help either of them.

He looks out the window, watching the scenery go by. Well... it is near Halloween. Why not have ghosts come out of the past and haunt the present?]

[defendure]

[ In a better mood Izuku would probably be making Katsuki's mood worse by trying to talk about anything and everything to come to mind, or enthusiastically chattering about what they were going to do, but he just stays silent and leaves Katsuki to his thoughts. It's never something that can make things worse - Katsuki tells him often enough to stop talking or talk less, so Izuku knows it's actually preferred and just tends to be bad at sticking to it.

He'll only move once they're at the right stop, checking the tickets again just to be certain he has them in order. He kind of wishes again they'd invited other people; it's easier to navigate a group than a single person, sometimes. You can fade into the chaos with the former, and with the latter you're all too aware of your shortcomings when they stare you in the face.

He works up a smile for the bus driver when he disembarks, though. ]

[blastedass]

[Katsuki doesn't bother with the driver, merely disembarking with a bare nod and a casual tip in the cup on the dash. The air's still crisp and cool from the fall weather and it brings a rush of nostalgia thanks to the thoughts of home. Unfortunately that nostalgia is also what happened during fall of the year, meaning it was spending time with fucking Half-n-Half dealing with the god damn remediation course. Ugh, that was a pain in the ass. He didn't get his provisional license because they couldn't be assed enough to take some tough medicine! What the fuck?!]

C'mere.

[And promptly catches Izuku by the arm and drags him off. Protests or stumbling ignored (well, he'll make sure he doesn't fall over, catching him if he trips on his own feet). But still moving to get them off the sidewalk and into the nearby park. A bit of green after their driving through steel and glass. He heads for an out of the way spot, finally parking them both by a larger tree that's off in the grass and semi-private.]

Where'd you get the idea this can't be a fucking date?

[Katsuki lets go of Izuku's arm and faces him head on, hands going to his pockets. He's not exactly... angry, but he's firm.]

Doesn't matter what these stupid gems or those shitty gods say, we're human and we're gonna feel shit. Jealousy's one of them.

That doesn't mean we can't go on a fucking date.

[defendure]

[ There are, in fact, protests and stumbling. Almost trips over his own feet, probably does a second time, and he's not sure why the heck Katsuki's dragging him away from where they have to go - Kacchan, it's the other way - but he doesn't activate his Quirk or anything to really put a stop to it.

If he had to guess what Katsuki was going to say when he opened his mouth, Izuku would have bet money it would be some future revelation or something about going home or along those lines.

He didn't expect the interrogation about a date, or a reversal of the statement on jealousy, and mostly looks stunned and more than a little confused at first. ]

You agreed it wasn't! And...I think that sounds like it's for the best. I mean...

[blastedass]

Well I'm fucking disagreeing with us both then!

[He's already blown up something the night before and Izuku's silence on the bus ride gave him time to think about shit. And thinking about shit is how Katsuki does his own self improvements. Not when people tell him to or when someone brings it to his attention. It's when he's by himself and can reflect on shit and decide for himself what he wants to listen to and incorporate into his life. And there's a lot of shit he has to improve on. U.A.'s taught him that. Painfully. Many times.

But in the end, what it boils down to is Katsuki's pride bucking and refusing to let someone else, or something else, determine for him how to live his god damn life! He goes forward on his own pace to his own path. Even if that means going against his own self in the past, the shitty self who was dumber and weaker than he will be five minutes from now!]

I said I want to be your first for shit. And I said we can go on a date. So we're gonna fucking do that.

Cause if I see you going out with someone else, I'm gonna get fucking jealous.

[defendure]

You basically told me to go home and date someone else?? And that you weren't jealous at all!

[ As usual, Izuku finds Katsuki at least as much a roller coaster as Katsuki finds him to be.

Sometimes he's pretty sure they're speaking different languages even though it's demonstrably plain Japanese on both sides. ]

[blastedass]

No I fucking didn't! I asked if you thought someone would date you back home!

[Big difference! It was merely a curiosity, not a fucking command. Bakugou stares at him intently, frustrated, but not raging. So far. Emphatic though?]

I wanted to know whether you thought someone was waiting for you! Because I'm not going to remember this when I go back!

[No comment on the jealousy. Because it's no the first time Bakugou's lied about shit like that. Still, the comment about jealousy not being very... "good" here isn't untrue. Because of the gems and events, sometimes, there's no choice. And agreeing to be committed to one person is just asking for trouble when shit acts up. Jealousy. Doable? Happening? Hell yes. Smart? Nope!]

[defendure]

Wha - do you think someone's waiting for you?

[ More to the point, why is that even a consideration right now??

Is Katsuki thinking about dating someone back home or something? ]

[blastedass]

No.

[He frowns at the thought. Sure he has one or two friends, but no one obviously leaning towards asking him out. He's never been one for dating in the first place.

A hard sigh pumps from his mouth and he rubs the bridge of his nose.]

You seemed so damn happy to go on a date with me.

[Red eyes look at him from above his knuckles.]

I wanted to know if you thought you'd be that happy again after we go back home. Because I won't remember this to make you feel that way.

[defendure]

[ Neither of them will. Izuku's said he doesn't want to forget multiple times, and he knows exactly what it is he doesn't want to forget. The people he's met here and the things he's done - they matter, but the weight of the things he's done with and said to Katsuki matter more. It's the weight of their entire lives that drive them in harder. ]

I thought you wanted to go on a date with me because you wanted to go on a date with me. [ So...of course he was happy. It felt like getting picked out of the whole group to sleep over when they were kids but...entirely different. That doesn't sound like it was the actual reason at all though. Izuku rubs the back of his neck. ]

I don't know what I'll do when I get home. I don't know what anyone else will do, or how I'll react, but...you'll...still make me happy, won't you...? Because...all that aside, I can't help thinking you wanted to be friends again too. Or you wouldn't be bothering with any of this.

[blastedass]

[It's because they won't remember that he asked that question. Random, yeah, but if this is their first date and Izuku's positively elated, can he really be comfortable sending him back when he knows there's none of this waiting for him? Selfish, yeah, and Katsuki knows he'd blast Izuku through any fucking door that opened to their world if he had a fraction of a chance... but he's still human.]

I wouldn't have agreed to this if I didn't want to, dammit.

[Sure some of it might have been to appease Izuku's wheedling, but he knows Katsuki well enough to realize the blonde won't do something he's absolutely dead set against doing. He still doesn't understand how that question, ill-appropriate and strange as it was, could be so misconstrued that Izuku translated it as "screw this date" and worse. Granted Katsuki agreed with him, vocally, but some of it was a bit of a mild stumped over how to pull back around from the error. Agree to give himself more time to think or something?

He's still learning this too, you know.]

Ch. I'm not gonna get myself turned to swiss cheese over and then room with someone I hate.

[Katsuki frowns at him, miffed.]

Can you really not understand something that isn't bluntly told to your fucking face?

[Can't he just see that they're not... you know... enemies anymore?]

[defendure]

Back home. [ Izuku clarifies, gaze on the ground, a thoughtful frown on his lips. He knows it's true here and now, but...even though back home Katsuki would snarl and argue about it... ]

If you want to know if I'll ever be "this happy" there, the answer is yes because back home, that part of it will still end up being true. You can't forget about what we used to be either, even if you wanted to.

[ His gaze trails back up. ]

And that's what I've always wanted from you. Even when you were being a jerk.

[blastedass]

[While he wants to argue it, there's nothing to argue. He has no idea what will happen back home either. Is it impossible to think their development here could never happen back home? Is it impossible to think that at some point in time in the future, he'd be dating Izuku by the time they graduate from U.A.?

Katsuki knows his thoughts and feelings about the other boy back home. The guilt, regret, the growing urge to make amends, knowing that at some point... an apology would have to come. Even if it changed nothing between them. Kind of hoped it'd change nothing between them. Izuku probably wouldn't make a big deal out of it, knowing him. Well, probably cry. Cause he's Deku.]

We're never gonna go back to how we were as kids, Deku. We've experienced too much.

[Too much to ever be that innocent and naive again. Katsuki'd matured and been humbled over the things he couldn't do, Izuku'd hopefully learned he couldn't triumph everything by recklessly throwing himself at it. Their understanding of heroes (and villains) had changed because of all the ugly truths showing up as the villains dragged one thing out after another.]

We've grown up. But if you're still wondering if we can be friends again...

[Katsuki meets his eyes, still frowning, still a bit piqued, but still mostly solemn.]

Can you still not understand my feelings?

[defendure]

Can you not understand mine?

[ He doesn't expect or anticipate an apology. Hasn't even asked for one for the other night and won't do so; he's never asked Katsuki for any kind of apology.

What it is Katsuki specifically wants out of him...probably he doesn't really understand it. But things had been getting better at home, and what he wanted hadn't changed. ]

This isn't working. Hang on.

[ He tilts his head back, rolling his neck as he tries to rewind a little bit.

Best way to do this is probably point by point without adding too much at a time, because he's half certain each of them is putting more importance on different pieces of the conversation here and it's making them misunderstand the whole. ]

Kacchan, I have never once wanted to go back to exactly how we were as kids. [ There. A basic building block. ] I think you have this idea in your head that I want to have that exact friendship, but I don't. Wanting to be friends again has never meant I wanted everything that we used to be - you sucked back then a lot of the time.

[blastedass]

Can you not understand mine?

[ He doesn't expect or anticipate an apology. Hasn't even asked for one for the other night and won't do so; he's never asked Katsuki for any kind of apology. What it is Katsuki specifically wants out of him... probably he doesn't really understand it. But things had been getting better at home, and what he wanted hadn't changed. ]

This isn't working. Hang on.

[ He tilts his head back, rolling his neck as he tries to rewind a little bit. Best way to do this is probably point by point without adding too much at a time, because he's half certain each of them is putting more importance on different pieces of the conversation here and it's making them misunderstand the whole. ]

Kacchan, I have never once wanted to go back to exactly how we were as kids. [ There. A basic building block. ] I think you have this idea in your head that I want to have that exact friendship, but I don't. Wanting to be friends again has never meant I wanted everything that we used to be - you sucked back then a lot of the time.



[He understands most of those feelings. But he hasn't cared about them for a long time. There's plenty about Izuku he'll never get, but those aren't the feelings they're talking about now.

Between the idolization and Izuku's desire to be both close to Katsuki once more and surpass him, he knows what he wants. On the surface, Izuku's not a complex person to get. He's willing to sweep everything under the rug and go forward as if nothing had ever happened. Katsuki knows he won't be able to force him to demand reparations or even an apology. It bothers him, yet it's pointless to while on it.

But getting that sort of acceptance bothers him because it does nothing to erase the guilt and regret. He's helped Izuku during training because that's an action he can take to chip away at his own atonement. Actions are far stronger than words because they prove things. Words are just that... words.]

In your opinion...

[It's a grumbled mutter because he knows it's true. Hell, plenty of their classmates would tell him the same thing. Have told him the same. He was different, better, than he had been at the start of the year, but still remained the same in several areas. Frowning some, he heaves a breath and looks off to the side.]

So are you going to be able to date me as I am?

[defendure]

That...I don't know why that's even a question.

[ Feels a little off-kilter, but strings it together with another thing Katsuki said, uncertain and more than a little baffled. ]

Are you - worried? Do you not think you're... [ This feels so dumb to say, he's dead sure he's wrong, but he doesn't get why Katsuki's even asking. ] ...not enough as you are?

[ ???? ]