Take it you don't keep that persona up anymore. First impressions are hard to break, but you can destroy them if you force people to see you in a different light often enough.
[They're not indestructible. And Esikko seems to have taken that lesson to heart.]
Huh. Chinese origin. Was "Esikko" something you picked yourself?
I won't tell anyone. That's your secret to give.
[He can guess the other person, but no, he'll keep the trivia in his chest.]
( Should he go back to emojis?? Maybe his nickname needs to be tl;dr.
Also, close! But it's Korean. Not that he'd know, since they're not called as much in his fantasy land, but... )
It's just that I'm tired of it. I never wanted it in the first place. Why can't I act how I want, and say what I want and feel? But no one likes the real me, so I end up going back and forth, you know.
I don't know what that is, but no, I didn't choose anything. Esikko is the second name of that new name my father gave me, but it was the only one Kirma could say correctly when we first met, so it stuck... and I found convenience in only introducing myself with one name. Anssi is my first name, but it's got this stupid meaning, and I hate them all. It's like I have six names and none of them are even mine.
It's not some big secret or anything, you know. Not like that name means anything. I just felt like saying it.
I don't know. You've seen it more than most, haven't you?
Am I supposed to be able to answer that easily? "Pathetic?" "Weak?" But not in the cute, appealing way some others manage to be. I'm demanding, and I get angry easily, and I can act impulsively when I'm in a bad mood.
Everyone always acts as if I'm not aware of my own faults or something, but I am, you know.
It's not that. If you were told from the moment you could comprehend words that you should behave a certain way and that anything else makes you worthless, wouldn't you try to keep it up?
But that's exhausting, you know? To continue on with false smiles and pleasantries all while thinking in the most analytical way possible how to use someone as thoroughly as you can, because that's all they'll do to you, too.
I'm frustrated because I've been told that I should simply "be myself," or "make friends," as if that would solve everything, but no matter how much I try to trust others, or to forget the times where things haven't worked out, I end up
( alone? betrayed? there's plenty of dramatic words he feels too stupid to type, especially worked up like he now is. it feels, again, like an issue of not being understood, and again, he doesn't know how to fix it. the problem is him, right? it must be, he knows this, but he doesn't know how to fix it, either. )
Nevermind. I was just trying to talk, you know. About anything.
Urusei! You only get to make that excuse for so long, idiot. You're smart enough now to know what makes you worthless in your own eyes.
If you spend all your time thinking about how to use someone else, why the fuck do you think anyone's going to treat you otherwise? If you think someone's using you, confront them and dump them if it's true!
Of course I don't. You wouldn't consider me reliable, would you?
Everyone uses me. At home, and here. For their status, or for cards, or to help with their suit, for their own ego, for a way to feel better about themselves, for finding a way home. What else am I supposed to do?
But what?? That's not true at all. I like sex. But there's a difference, you know, between someone sleeping with me because they want it to be you and someone doing it because I'm a certain card, or simply the one there, or because it's "fine". There's only been two things I was forced into. I say as much if I feel that way.
Is it so wrong to want the former once in a while?
( he does pause to genuinely think about this. because despite the way that he is, these are all honest thoughts and feelings he's spilling out. typing is a lot like writing in his journal, really, and it's easy to hang less onto the idea that there's someone on the other end reading these things.
but thinking on it... he doesn't know? maybe he would do that. but wouldn't it be obvious? isn't it supposed to be obvious, when it's the former? shouldn't he know, or feel loved, or feel wanted, or likes— but what does that even feel like, anyway? When he feels it, even then, he tries to convince himself he's not, just to avoid the pain of being the only one.
he types and deletes a few things before sending an actual reply. )
I guess I don't know.
Stupid, it's stupid, isn't it? I should know that much
[that's what he thought. so quick to blame someone else or play a victim, but completely unaware that the main blame and victim lies inside. where no one else can reach. esikko's feelings aren't unfounded, but bakugo's found a lot of people who are unhappy with life are usually unhappy with themselves or their circumstances.
and so many of them will do anything to face that harsh reality.
he has little patience for other people's sob stories and painful tales, growling when it's revealed they haven't bothered trying, or trying a different path. but esikko's built up a lot with him, earning himself the hero's patience. though he's still blunt with him.
why waste time coddling and comforting when he could spend it trying to help?]
Don't call yourself stupid, baka.
[oy, bakugo?]
Not everyone has sex because it's some damn card or the house pushed it. Sometimes those are nothing more than extras for something they wanna do anyways.
( honestly, though he argues when he's insulted and defends himself when he feels like he's not listened to, the truth is he doesn't want some yes man. so this is appreciated. it does even help a little with his catastrophizing.
if only his parents had raised him with an ounce of anything like this! )
Only you're allowed to do that? ( fondly )
So what is it for you? With anyone, I mean.
( it's not like he cares about with him specifically or anything, baka....... )
[the day bakugo becomes anyone's yes man is the day he gives esikko permission to run him through with a root to make him snap the fuck out of it. or knock him out, whichever he wants to do, so long as he stops it.
you can only blame your parents for so long too, esikko. then you have to grow the fuck up.]
Tch. Depends on the person. I'm not gonna do anything with someone I hate.
[strong word, hate, but bakugo's an intense person. it's more "dislike" rather than straight up loathing.]
[excuses, excuses, excuses. bakugo's lived with a golden spoon: powerful quirk, great genes, good looks, strong body, smart intellect, kind parents, well-off home life. he has no tragic backstory, no sobbing mess. he's just a jerk.
a jerk who put his effort into everything he ever did because he hates earning a victory off anything but his own strength and drive. so to listen to someone give an excuse about, well, almost anything, irks him.]
That's your decision. But don't bitch about it after you choose to do it.
[regret is a rare word in bakugo's life. he has them. hard ones. but he tries not to grow more.]
If you didn't, I'd've kicked you down the hall weeks ago.
[he refuses to sleep with someone who doesn't want to. hell, this is the guy who almost had a breakdown because hiyori told him the statue (he just destroyed) was a living person.
If you don't share anything about yourself, it's hard to feel able to share with you without guilt, you know.
( It's surprising, actually, that reading the idea of Bakugo needing enough time to be considered older bothers Esikko. Because, somehow, the idea of him being stuck somewhere he doesn't want to be bothers him...
These considerations are things he never had room for before. He thought, originally, that they only came with his suit flare ups, but that's not the case. It's consistent. It's caring. He's realizing it, and he's not sure how to feel. )
I hope you just mean with your upcoming birthday, and not any longer than that. Why would being older help? The time? I think youth is an advantage, though.
( he's from a time where people married off quite young, though, so... his views are a little skewed on what's normal. )
Edited (I get autocorrect for my phone tagging crimes) Date: 2/5/25 05:31 (UTC)
Huh? Why the hell would you feel guilty over it? You think I can't handle it or something?
[Bakugo isn't Good At sharing his personal feelings. Sure, angry, annoyed, proud, superior, all those things he's more than happy to tell people. Blunt criticism and advice is easy. But the crap Esikko's implying? Yeah, he keeps that inside for reasons. Who the hell would trust a hero to be able to win if he's talking about weakness all the time?]
A lot of people in this stupid place thing I'm just some damn kid cause of my age. I fought on the front lines in a fucking war to protect my damn country! If I can risk my goddamn life in battle against adults who wanna kill me, I can handle a fucking adult in this piece of shit world!
[Okay so maybe it's been bothering him for a while. But his age has been a huge barrier to collecting cards, getting his wish, saving everyone in this place, and thus accomplishing his goal.]
Don't you dare say a word about this to anyone, got it?
[Well, guess Esikko just learned something about Bakugo's inner issues.]
( How does he explain it? That, for example, hearing that Bakugo just told him something he wants kept private fills him with a sort of warmth he's not used to. That it feels more real, that they could be (might be?) friends, or close, or— or all of these other silly, stupid, embarrassing things he doesn't want to admit thinking about. He's an adult, sure, but he feels like Bakugo is far more emotionally mature than he is...
And that's really funny, considering how much he yells. He's never going to admit this aloud. )
I'll keep it to myself. I promise.
( Though most wouldn't think it from knowing him, promises are important to Esikko. So he won't break one. )
Perhaps I'm biased, since I've never lived past maybe 24 in the first place, but I can't understand their hesitation. I'd argue there are those in their 20s or 30s here that act far more like children than you do, in fact. ( he's aggressively thinking of Fuuta so hard he hopes he sneezes )
Since you're too honest to do something like lie about your age, like I would, I guess waiting makes sense. How old are you, anyway?
[A lot of people think Bakugo is very emotionally mature. Responsible and intelligent, driven and focused. And then a lot of people think he's a real piece of shit too. Aggressive and arrogant, explosive and childish. Guess it depends on which side people want to focus on or if they want to take it all together. Bakugo could give a shit about any of them! He's who he is and if people have a problem with it, they can fuck off!
Doesn't mean he likes talking about things that piss him off. At least, not in the ways that suggest he's uncomfortable or has feelings about them. Like he did just now.
He expects Esikko to keep that promise, and really has no reason to think he wouldn't.]
Some people only care about a fucking number. As if that's supposed to be the goddamn cap.
[Granted, there are obvious reasons. Bakugo would never advocate a 12 year old drinking beer, and got pissed at his middle school friend for smoking around him (though that was only because he didn't want the smoke smell getting on his clothes and making other people think Bakugo was a disgusting smoker). Drinking, smoking, drugs, even driving, those thing are limited to certain ages for health reasons.
Sex... it's different in many countries. Some say its 16, some say it's 18, some say 21. Still stupid. If you can fight in a war at 16, you can fuck at 16!]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 00:20 (UTC)Take it you don't keep that persona up anymore. First impressions are hard to break, but you can destroy them if you force people to see you in a different light often enough.
[They're not indestructible. And Esikko seems to have taken that lesson to heart.]
Huh. Chinese origin. Was "Esikko" something you picked yourself?
I won't tell anyone. That's your secret to give.
[He can guess the other person, but no, he'll keep the trivia in his chest.]
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 00:49 (UTC)Also, close! But it's Korean. Not that he'd know, since they're not called as much in his fantasy land, but... )
It's just that I'm tired of it. I never wanted it in the first place. Why can't I act how I want, and say what I want and feel? But no one likes the real me, so I end up going back and forth, you know.
I don't know what that is, but no, I didn't choose anything. Esikko is the second name of that new name my father gave me, but it was the only one Kirma could say correctly when we first met, so it stuck... and I found convenience in only introducing myself with one name. Anssi is my first name, but it's got this stupid meaning, and I hate them all. It's like I have six names and none of them are even mine.
It's not some big secret or anything, you know. Not like that name means anything. I just felt like saying it.
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 00:53 (UTC)Who the fuck's the real you?
[Throwing all the rest of that away. Not that he doesn't care, but... this more important.]
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 00:59 (UTC)Am I supposed to be able to answer that easily? "Pathetic?" "Weak?" But not in the cute, appealing way some others manage to be. I'm demanding, and I get angry easily, and I can act impulsively when I'm in a bad mood.
Everyone always acts as if I'm not aware of my own faults or something, but I am, you know.
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 01:04 (UTC)If you don't care, then anyone who's got a problem with you can fuck off.
But don't go around pretending to be someone you're not, then whine and complain when people find out who you really are.
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 01:17 (UTC)But that's exhausting, you know? To continue on with false smiles and pleasantries all while thinking in the most analytical way possible how to use someone as thoroughly as you can, because that's all they'll do to you, too.
I'm frustrated because I've been told that I should simply "be myself," or "make friends," as if that would solve everything, but no matter how much I try to trust others, or to forget the times where things haven't worked out, I end up
( alone? betrayed? there's plenty of dramatic words he feels too stupid to type, especially worked up like he now is. it feels, again, like an issue of not being understood, and again, he doesn't know how to fix it. the problem is him, right? it must be, he knows this, but he doesn't know how to fix it, either. )
Nevermind. I was just trying to talk, you know. About anything.
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 01:33 (UTC)If you spend all your time thinking about how to use someone else, why the fuck do you think anyone's going to treat you otherwise? If you think someone's using you, confront them and dump them if it's true!
[ ...
...
... ]
You don't trust yourself, do you.
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 01:42 (UTC)Everyone uses me. At home, and here. For their status, or for cards, or to help with their suit, for their own ego, for a way to feel better about themselves, for finding a way home. What else am I supposed to do?
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 01:51 (UTC)What the fuck?! How many of those things did you list where you CHOSE to interact with them?! Mutually helping someone isn't being used, dammit.
Unless every goddamn time someone's been with you, it's been non consensual in your mind!
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 01:55 (UTC)But what?? That's not true at all. I like sex. But there's a difference, you know, between someone sleeping with me because they want it to be you and someone doing it because I'm a certain card, or simply the one there, or because it's "fine". There's only been two things I was forced into. I say as much if I feel that way.
Is it so wrong to want the former once in a while?
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 01:59 (UTC)[Deliberately or not.]
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 02:13 (UTC)but thinking on it... he doesn't know? maybe he would do that. but wouldn't it be obvious? isn't it supposed to be obvious, when it's the former? shouldn't he know, or feel loved, or feel wanted, or likes— but what does that even feel like, anyway? When he feels it, even then, he tries to convince himself he's not, just to avoid the pain of being the only one.
he types and deletes a few things before sending an actual reply. )
I guess I don't know.
Stupid, it's stupid, isn't it? I should know that much
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 02:59 (UTC)and so many of them will do anything to face that harsh reality.
he has little patience for other people's sob stories and painful tales, growling when it's revealed they haven't bothered trying, or trying a different path. but esikko's built up a lot with him, earning himself the hero's patience. though he's still blunt with him.
why waste time coddling and comforting when he could spend it trying to help?]
Don't call yourself stupid, baka.
[oy, bakugo?]
Not everyone has sex because it's some damn card or the house pushed it. Sometimes those are nothing more than extras for something they wanna do anyways.
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 03:30 (UTC)if only his parents had raised him with an ounce of anything like this! )
Only you're allowed to do that? ( fondly )
So what is it for you? With anyone, I mean.
( it's not like he cares about with him specifically or anything, baka....... )
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 03:41 (UTC)you can only blame your parents for so long too, esikko. then you have to grow the fuck up.]
Tch. Depends on the person. I'm not gonna do anything with someone I hate.
[strong word, hate, but bakugo's an intense person. it's more "dislike" rather than straight up loathing.]
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 03:52 (UTC)Really? I would, but I suppose that's a different sort of thing I'm looking for anyway...
( he's so tempted to pester him for his favs, but he resists. )
I like it with you. Just so you know.
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 04:43 (UTC)a jerk who put his effort into everything he ever did because he hates earning a victory off anything but his own strength and drive. so to listen to someone give an excuse about, well, almost anything, irks him.]
That's your decision. But don't bitch about it after you choose to do it.
[regret is a rare word in bakugo's life. he has them. hard ones. but he tries not to grow more.]
If you didn't, I'd've kicked you down the hall weeks ago.
[he refuses to sleep with someone who doesn't want to. hell, this is the guy who almost had a breakdown because hiyori told him the statue (he just destroyed) was a living person.
it was fucking not.]
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 04:50 (UTC)Since you didn't say anything like "I tolerate you", I'm going to assume you like it, too.
🌷🌹🌸🪻🌻
( he's still trying to learn how to use emojis, shh )
I really only meant to have a light, silly conversation, you know. Sorry for my words getting away from me.
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 04:59 (UTC)Urusei.
💥
[Why the hell does he have to say it when it's obvious he does? They've done it a few times now, even when they didn't have to!]
You shouldn't keep that shit bottled up.
[he's one to talk.]
If you despise your life, or hate who you are, you can always change it. That's a benefit to being alive.
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 05:03 (UTC)( cute, yes )
I'll try and figure out who I want to be, then. I'm making a little progress on the medicine for my curse, even.
If you talked about yourself a bit more, maybe it wouldn't feel so troubling, you know?
How's your collection of cards going?
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 05:20 (UTC)Good. I'm not gonna tell you it'll be easy. But it'll suck more if you keep giving up.
Haa? What the hell's troubling about me?
[whoosh.]
Slow. Might get faster when I'm older.
[not that he relishes the idea of spending his youth in this place.]
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 05:30 (UTC)( It's surprising, actually, that reading the idea of Bakugo needing enough time to be considered older bothers Esikko. Because, somehow, the idea of him being stuck somewhere he doesn't want to be bothers him...
These considerations are things he never had room for before. He thought, originally, that they only came with his suit flare ups, but that's not the case. It's consistent. It's caring. He's realizing it, and he's not sure how to feel. )
I hope you just mean with your upcoming birthday, and not any longer than that. Why would being older help? The time? I think youth is an advantage, though.
( he's from a time where people married off quite young, though, so... his views are a little skewed on what's normal. )
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 21:41 (UTC)[Bakugo isn't Good At sharing his personal feelings. Sure, angry, annoyed, proud, superior, all those things he's more than happy to tell people. Blunt criticism and advice is easy. But the crap Esikko's implying? Yeah, he keeps that inside for reasons. Who the hell would trust a hero to be able to win if he's talking about weakness all the time?]
A lot of people in this stupid place thing I'm just some damn kid cause of my age. I fought on the front lines in a fucking war to protect my damn country! If I can risk my goddamn life in battle against adults who wanna kill me, I can handle a fucking adult in this piece of shit world!
[Okay so maybe it's been bothering him for a while. But his age has been a huge barrier to collecting cards, getting his wish, saving everyone in this place, and thus accomplishing his goal.]
Don't you dare say a word about this to anyone, got it?
[Well, guess Esikko just learned something about Bakugo's inner issues.]
no subject
Date: 2/5/25 22:38 (UTC)And that's really funny, considering how much he yells. He's never going to admit this aloud. )
I'll keep it to myself. I promise.
( Though most wouldn't think it from knowing him, promises are important to Esikko. So he won't break one. )
Perhaps I'm biased, since I've never lived past maybe 24 in the first place, but I can't understand their hesitation. I'd argue there are those in their 20s or 30s here that act far more like children than you do, in fact. ( he's aggressively thinking of Fuuta so hard he hopes he sneezes )
Since you're too honest to do something like lie about your age, like I would, I guess waiting makes sense. How old are you, anyway?
no subject
Date: 2/6/25 04:36 (UTC)Doesn't mean he likes talking about things that piss him off. At least, not in the ways that suggest he's uncomfortable or has feelings about them. Like he did just now.
He expects Esikko to keep that promise, and really has no reason to think he wouldn't.]
Some people only care about a fucking number. As if that's supposed to be the goddamn cap.
[Granted, there are obvious reasons. Bakugo would never advocate a 12 year old drinking beer, and got pissed at his middle school friend for smoking around him (though that was only because he didn't want the smoke smell getting on his clothes and making other people think Bakugo was a disgusting smoker). Drinking, smoking, drugs, even driving, those thing are limited to certain ages for health reasons.
Sex... it's different in many countries. Some say its 16, some say it's 18, some say 21. Still stupid. If you can fight in a war at 16, you can fuck at 16!]
17.
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