[Breathing hard, chest rising and falling amid pants, Katsuki stands his ground in the smoke. There's no telling if Yuji will emerge from the cloud on either side or straight in front of him. Hell, he could appear behind him now.
Something wet drips off his chin, a stinging pain in his temple. Detonating a point-blank explosion in front of himself like that... Anger, defensive, panic, a surging "get off me!" technique that leaves his arms throbbing from the impact. Also from Yuji beating on them in that furry rush. He's not sure if cursed energy can interrupt his Quirk's biology. But a few sparks pop and snap around his hand unbidden, leftover crackling from the blast.
As the smoke clears, Katsuki's left slightly crouched with his arms still x-ed over his face, red eyes peering out from behind the upper v of scuffed skin. Only lowering them a bit once he sees Yuji taking a knee. Already bruises are starting to mottle his arms, one of his knuckles feels like he hasn't cracked it for years. Fuck...
Don't close combat with Yuji in this state. He lets his arms fall to his side, trying to rein in his breathing. Katsuki doesn't like the panicked feeling that left him in. Ripped his control away for a moment.]
It's hard to tell, but there's one obvious thing going through his mind: if he keeps going, he's going to either hurt himself or hurt Katsuki to the point of no return, and that's the last thing he wants to do. Even here, with his heart half-broken and his body yearning for something to truly exhaust him, the last thing he wants to do is hurt his friend, to do any kind of damage that might be difficult to undo.
Instead, he slumps back, flops onto his ass, and then collapses, starfish style, onto the mats below him, closing his eyes and nodding his head.
He's probably had enough for now. Any more and his blistered, bruised skin would really become a problem. ]
Yeah. I yield.
[ He doesn't bother opening his eyes. Katsuki's not the kind of guy to go out of his way to badger or attack someone when they've already surrendered, he's too heroic for that. ]
[This isn't about winning right now. Not in terms of a victor. This is about Yuji's feelings. Whether he's vented enough to make it through the day without breaking down and stumbling.
Katsuki shakes his hand to throw the tingling feeling at his fingertips away. Not entirely successful. So he works on trying to pop his knuckle back into place. Takes a few painful attempts, but with a crack that sounds like he just broke something, the joint returns. It hurts, in a good way, and he curls his fingers thrice to flex the sensation away.
Now comes the difficult part. Yeah, not the battle. That part's simple. Slug away. This part's trying to suss out if Yuji's telling the truth or not. So many times he's told people "I'm fine" and finally Denji called Katsuki out on it in the simplest terms possible: are you hero "fine" or actually fine? It's been impossible to get that out of his head, especially with Katsuki's friends who do the same damn thing...
Yuji could want more and he'd give it to him. Until the sorcerer or himself is knocked out. Watching Yuji splay out like a starfish on the floor is only half assuring. Kind of tempting to jump him. But that's beneath Katsuki.]
[ Yuji lets one arm move, covering his face as he breathes in and out, harsh and ragged.
It's not just from the spar, is it? It helped, but it hasn't made everything go away. When he closes his eyes, he can still see the flashes of what Sukuna did behind his eyes; he can see Mahito touching Nanamin, the explosion of his body; he can see Kugisaki's final moments in front of. He can picture his own failure to get Mahito, his own wish to die, thrumming through him like an echo.
His shoulders shake, just a little, and he wheezes out a sound, his heart aching. ]
You won. I couldn't keep up this time, dandelion. You were great.
[ Gojo-sensei, trapped in a box.
Geto-san's kids, murdered.
Ijichi-san, stabbed.
Megumi, almost killed.
So much, and it feels like it happened a day ago. ]
[Katsuki lets that go without explanation, reaching up and wiping a thumb across the cut on his temple. That stings. He brings the bloodied digit to his mouth and licks it. Gross, right? Still dealing with that damn vampire shit. Trying to control the harsh breathing isn't easy, but his battered chest appreciates the attempt.
Of course this isn't going to make whatever Yuji's dealing with leave. It's a panacea, makes it feel better for a bit before everything comes back. But what can he do asides from help? Beating Yuji down might help him feel as if some payment's been reached, but can atonement come from beating yourself up?
There's a soft thump as Katsuki sinks down cross legged beside Yuji, reaching out to take his friend's hand. One hand, held in his grip, thumb running over reddened knuckles.]
Yuji. [How hard, impossible even, to forgive yourself... even for things that weren't your fault.]
[ Katsuki sits, slumped down, and Yuji doesn't move.
It's hard, when he's leaned on his friend so much already. It's hard, when he's already relied on Raidou, when he's seen Nanami, but it doesn't feel real. How can it feel real, when he's going to go back to a world where none of them exist?
It makes his stomach hurt.
Sighing, he tries to tear his arm away, to look over at Katsuki, but it's hard to see through the bleary tears. ]
[He has no answer for that. To go from a place where he has so many people to a home where none of them are. Yuji's gained a lot here. How the hell can he expect him to be happy to go home where none of that is? Weighed down already by his own guilt and pain from experiences before. If Yuji tries hard to pull his hand away, Katsuki will let him, but if his heart isn't in it, then he'll keep the other boy's hand in his own. Heroes are nosy people by default.
Seeing the tears in his eyes hurts. They're not from the injuries just now. They're far deeper.
Katsuki shifts his position and lies down beside Yuji instead, head propped on one arm tucked beneath it. Close enough to offer warmth, but not forcing anything more than presence.]
I'm here.
[For whatever. Even if it's simply to exist next to and believe in a boy who has a hard time doing that himself.]
[None of the details. But he knows Shibuya was a resounding loss for the sorcerers. One Yuji feels extremely at fault for. Katsuki hasn't asked out of respect for Yuji's feelings.]
I see.
[How would he feel the following year, when the anniversary of All Might's retirement came around? ... Guilty.]
[... fuck. On top of whatever else happened, this too? The gut-wrenching feeling returns. There's no way he can completely resonate with that burden of guilt.
Even if the logical point says Yuji didn't do it, of course he'd feel like he was responsible.]
[ Yuji shakes his head. Does he wish that? He's not really sure, but it feels like something that's there, at the forefront of his mind. An easy thought, because he's so used to feeling it, so used to it being a presence in his mind. ]
I guess I had enough fingers... They could've put him down. The others... They'd have been safer.
[He hates it whenever Yuji says that, despite knowing full well why he says it each time. Carrying a burden like that, knowing what it could cause, would cause... Wouldn't the greater good for all be his death? It's a noble reason if you think about it logically.
But... the world can't be saved without innocent Yuji's death?
Katsuki refuses to believe that, as cliche and foolish as it sounds.]
Yuji. [His gaze on the other boy never wavers.] Do you think Gojo, Megumi, Nanami, and Megumi are idiots?
[Does Yuji think Katsuki's going to do something to make him feel worse? Deliberately?
As hard as it is to feel the hope and drive to live in the middle of a storm of guilt and pain... he refuses to let Yuji sink into such a thought too far.]
They all had reasons for wanting you to stay alive. Even if it came with that risk.
[Regardless of whether the reason was to catch more fingers, fight more curses, protect his innocence, or love a friend.
Each of them could have killed him.
Each of them decided Yuji's life was more important than his death.]
I know it's hard to see it right now, but they all supported your life. And they're not idiots.
You know Gojo-sensei was the one who promised to kill me, right?
[ It's said petulantly, because Yuji knows the truth; Gojo-sensei was never going to kill him. He was going to find a way to save Yuji, so that they could all live happily in the future and find their own joy.
Funny how that worked out.
Sighing, he bites his lip, hard, before he focusses, still not really able to look over. ]
Yeah. Nanami told me a long time ago. [First Nanami.] You know why he did too.
[There weren't a lot of details, but in his conversations with Megumi, Nobara, Yuji, and Nanami over the months, Katsuki got a good representation of Gojo. Ironically he's never met the man here. But someone like Gojo killing Yuji? Nah. He wanted to save him. Promising to be the one to do it gave Gojo the freedom to set the timeframe and use it to his advantage. You don't kill your students.
Katsuki can't force Yuji out of the thoughts, but he can remind him of the truth when his brain keeps shoving the painful urges and doubts into his heart.]
I know. [Everything Yuji's gone through, revisiting all of it, losing the people close to him, ups and down... It'd sap anyone of their strength.] If could, I'd take as much of your burden as possible.
I wouldn't want you to do that, Katsuki. You've got enough to worry about.
[ Yuji's aware of enough of Katsuki's world to know they both have too much to deal with. They're just teenagers, but they're teenagers thrust into a world in which they can barely muster the strength to keep going sometimes. They're the ones that have to save their worlds, no matter what the cost might be to them personally.
It's hard not to draw the comparison to being a cog.
Sighing softly, he closes his eyes, tilting his head into the mat and gritting his teeth. ]
I didn't know you talked to Nanamin about that kind of stuff.
[Even if it drove him to his knees, he would support that burden to give Yuji some time to rest and recover. A hero can't pick and choose the amount of help he or she provides. They're there to help as much as they can. Even if it's only words offered right now. Maybe that's enough to give some support. Simply knowing you're not alone. That someone's there.
The day he's able to reunite with Yuji and both of them can reveal their victories...
He understands Yuji's idea of cogs, but refuses to accept it himself. Katsuki goes quiet for a while before looking up at the ceiling.]
The last time I met with him, we were working on an old couples' house in the bay area. We talked about a lot of things. Gojo. You. His mentoring. Sorcerer society. Why he stopped caring about most things. He said a lot that made it sound like he didn't give a shit. But he did. He cared about you, your future, your life. I think you showed him a future he had all but given up on, and reignited his belief in leaving things better off than he had them. Including you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blastedass
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 19:23 (UTC)Something wet drips off his chin, a stinging pain in his temple. Detonating a point-blank explosion in front of himself like that... Anger, defensive, panic, a surging "get off me!" technique that leaves his arms throbbing from the impact. Also from Yuji beating on them in that furry rush. He's not sure if cursed energy can interrupt his Quirk's biology. But a few sparks pop and snap around his hand unbidden, leftover crackling from the blast.
As the smoke clears, Katsuki's left slightly crouched with his arms still x-ed over his face, red eyes peering out from behind the upper v of scuffed skin. Only lowering them a bit once he sees Yuji taking a knee. Already bruises are starting to mottle his arms, one of his knuckles feels like he hasn't cracked it for years. Fuck...
Don't close combat with Yuji in this state. He lets his arms fall to his side, trying to rein in his breathing. Katsuki doesn't like the panicked feeling that left him in. Ripped his control away for a moment.]
Had enough?
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 19:25 (UTC)It's hard to tell, but there's one obvious thing going through his mind: if he keeps going, he's going to either hurt himself or hurt Katsuki to the point of no return, and that's the last thing he wants to do. Even here, with his heart half-broken and his body yearning for something to truly exhaust him, the last thing he wants to do is hurt his friend, to do any kind of damage that might be difficult to undo.
Instead, he slumps back, flops onto his ass, and then collapses, starfish style, onto the mats below him, closing his eyes and nodding his head.
He's probably had enough for now. Any more and his blistered, bruised skin would really become a problem. ]
Yeah. I yield.
[ He doesn't bother opening his eyes. Katsuki's not the kind of guy to go out of his way to badger or attack someone when they've already surrendered, he's too heroic for that. ]
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 19:34 (UTC)Katsuki shakes his hand to throw the tingling feeling at his fingertips away. Not entirely successful. So he works on trying to pop his knuckle back into place. Takes a few painful attempts, but with a crack that sounds like he just broke something, the joint returns. It hurts, in a good way, and he curls his fingers thrice to flex the sensation away.
Now comes the difficult part. Yeah, not the battle. That part's simple. Slug away. This part's trying to suss out if Yuji's telling the truth or not. So many times he's told people "I'm fine" and finally Denji called Katsuki out on it in the simplest terms possible: are you hero "fine" or actually fine? It's been impossible to get that out of his head, especially with Katsuki's friends who do the same damn thing...
Yuji could want more and he'd give it to him. Until the sorcerer or himself is knocked out. Watching Yuji splay out like a starfish on the floor is only half assuring. Kind of tempting to jump him. But that's beneath Katsuki.]
Then you won.
[Against himself.]
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 19:42 (UTC)[ Yuji lets one arm move, covering his face as he breathes in and out, harsh and ragged.
It's not just from the spar, is it? It helped, but it hasn't made everything go away. When he closes his eyes, he can still see the flashes of what Sukuna did behind his eyes; he can see Mahito touching Nanamin, the explosion of his body; he can see Kugisaki's final moments in front of. He can picture his own failure to get Mahito, his own wish to die, thrumming through him like an echo.
His shoulders shake, just a little, and he wheezes out a sound, his heart aching. ]
You won. I couldn't keep up this time, dandelion. You were great.
[ Gojo-sensei, trapped in a box.
Geto-san's kids, murdered.
Ijichi-san, stabbed.
Megumi, almost killed.
So much, and it feels like it happened a day ago. ]
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 19:51 (UTC)[Katsuki lets that go without explanation, reaching up and wiping a thumb across the cut on his temple. That stings. He brings the bloodied digit to his mouth and licks it. Gross, right? Still dealing with that damn vampire shit. Trying to control the harsh breathing isn't easy, but his battered chest appreciates the attempt.
Of course this isn't going to make whatever Yuji's dealing with leave. It's a panacea, makes it feel better for a bit before everything comes back. But what can he do asides from help? Beating Yuji down might help him feel as if some payment's been reached, but can atonement come from beating yourself up?
There's a soft thump as Katsuki sinks down cross legged beside Yuji, reaching out to take his friend's hand. One hand, held in his grip, thumb running over reddened knuckles.]
Yuji. [How hard, impossible even, to forgive yourself... even for things that weren't your fault.]
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:01 (UTC)It's hard, when he's leaned on his friend so much already. It's hard, when he's already relied on Raidou, when he's seen Nanami, but it doesn't feel real. How can it feel real, when he's going to go back to a world where none of them exist?
It makes his stomach hurt.
Sighing, he tries to tear his arm away, to look over at Katsuki, but it's hard to see through the bleary tears. ]
Katsuki.
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:07 (UTC)Seeing the tears in his eyes hurts. They're not from the injuries just now. They're far deeper.
Katsuki shifts his position and lies down beside Yuji instead, head propped on one arm tucked beneath it. Close enough to offer warmth, but not forcing anything more than presence.]
I'm here.
[For whatever. Even if it's simply to exist next to and believe in a boy who has a hard time doing that himself.]
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:09 (UTC)Then he speaks. ]
Shibuya.
[ How much has he told Katsuki? He doesn't remember. ]
It was a year ago. Today.
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:11 (UTC)I see.
[How would he feel the following year, when the anniversary of All Might's retirement came around? ... Guilty.]
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:12 (UTC)[ Yuji sighs, and it comes out a little garbled. ]
It all happened. It was... Ten minutes? Ten minutes. Something like that.
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:15 (UTC)Ten minutes. Damn.
[Such a short time, but a lot can happen in that amount. Including changing everything.]
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:15 (UTC)[ Still unable to move, too deep in his own emotional grief, Yuji sighs. ]
Everything went wrong, and I...
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:17 (UTC)His chest clenches in his own recollection. The forest training was supposed to be just that. A class excursion... and then...
...everything went wrong.]
You?
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:20 (UTC)[ His hands clench, gripping around nothing. ]
I couldn't stop any of it.
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:26 (UTC)Even if the logical point says Yuji didn't do it, of course he'd feel like he was responsible.]
Yuji...
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:32 (UTC)[ Yuji shakes as he tries so, so hard to keep grip of his tears. ]
I should've been better. It was my responsibility.
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:37 (UTC)It...
[wasn't your fault, wasn't fair to expect that of you, wasn't something you could have known, wasn't your responsibility, wasn't you
Yuji's heard all those things before.]
You would've stopped it, if you could.
cw: suicide ideation
Date: 10/31/24 20:38 (UTC)[ Yuji shakes his head. Does he wish that? He's not really sure, but it feels like something that's there, at the forefront of his mind. An easy thought, because he's so used to feeling it, so used to it being a presence in his mind. ]
I guess I had enough fingers... They could've put him down. The others... They'd have been safer.
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:49 (UTC)But... the world can't be saved without innocent Yuji's death?
Katsuki refuses to believe that, as cliche and foolish as it sounds.]
Yuji. [His gaze on the other boy never wavers.] Do you think Gojo, Megumi, Nanami, and Megumi are idiots?
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:52 (UTC)[ He knows what's going to happen.
Katsuki is going to do something to try and make him feel better, and it strikes him, suddenly.
He had told Nanamin that he wanted to live, now. It's not a lie - he does, he does want to live, to grow older and take care of his friends, but...
It's hard to remember that, right now. ]
They're not stupid.
no subject
Date: 10/31/24 20:59 (UTC)As hard as it is to feel the hope and drive to live in the middle of a storm of guilt and pain... he refuses to let Yuji sink into such a thought too far.]
They all had reasons for wanting you to stay alive. Even if it came with that risk.
[Regardless of whether the reason was to catch more fingers, fight more curses, protect his innocence, or love a friend.
Each of them could have killed him.
Each of them decided Yuji's life was more important than his death.]
I know it's hard to see it right now, but they all supported your life. And they're not idiots.
no subject
Date: 11/3/24 23:02 (UTC)[ It's said petulantly, because Yuji knows the truth; Gojo-sensei was never going to kill him. He was going to find a way to save Yuji, so that they could all live happily in the future and find their own joy.
Funny how that worked out.
Sighing, he bites his lip, hard, before he focusses, still not really able to look over. ]
I'm so tired, Katsuki...
no subject
Date: 11/3/24 23:12 (UTC)[There weren't a lot of details, but in his conversations with Megumi, Nobara, Yuji, and Nanami over the months, Katsuki got a good representation of Gojo. Ironically he's never met the man here. But someone like Gojo killing Yuji? Nah. He wanted to save him. Promising to be the one to do it gave Gojo the freedom to set the timeframe and use it to his advantage. You don't kill your students.
Katsuki can't force Yuji out of the thoughts, but he can remind him of the truth when his brain keeps shoving the painful urges and doubts into his heart.]
I know. [Everything Yuji's gone through, revisiting all of it, losing the people close to him, ups and down... It'd sap anyone of their strength.] If could, I'd take as much of your burden as possible.
no subject
Date: 11/3/24 23:21 (UTC)[ Yuji's aware of enough of Katsuki's world to know they both have too much to deal with. They're just teenagers, but they're teenagers thrust into a world in which they can barely muster the strength to keep going sometimes. They're the ones that have to save their worlds, no matter what the cost might be to them personally.
It's hard not to draw the comparison to being a cog.
Sighing softly, he closes his eyes, tilting his head into the mat and gritting his teeth. ]
I didn't know you talked to Nanamin about that kind of stuff.
no subject
Date: 11/3/24 23:37 (UTC)[Even if it drove him to his knees, he would support that burden to give Yuji some time to rest and recover. A hero can't pick and choose the amount of help he or she provides. They're there to help as much as they can. Even if it's only words offered right now. Maybe that's enough to give some support. Simply knowing you're not alone. That someone's there.
The day he's able to reunite with Yuji and both of them can reveal their victories...
He understands Yuji's idea of cogs, but refuses to accept it himself. Katsuki goes quiet for a while before looking up at the ceiling.]
The last time I met with him, we were working on an old couples' house in the bay area. We talked about a lot of things. Gojo. You. His mentoring. Sorcerer society. Why he stopped caring about most things. He said a lot that made it sound like he didn't give a shit. But he did. He cared about you, your future, your life. I think you showed him a future he had all but given up on, and reignited his belief in leaving things better off than he had them. Including you.
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