[Only twice wouldn't make it normal, but Yuji's Yuji and Bakugo rolls his eyes. Heroes risk their lives each time they go out, so he doesn't have much room to talk. Especially since... well... One day he'll have to tell Yuji about that experience. How weird would it be to go "I almost died "and your companion just "Me too!" and continue on.
Sorry he's a smart cookie, Yuji. Let him be confused about you doing your brother's hair while ironically snapping onto how weird curse technique training works. Bakugo doesn't want to push about the paintings.]
Huh. That's a pretty clever analogy, Gari Head.
[And the guy says he's not smart. Okay, academically, yeah. Dumbass. But fighting? Oscillating physical genius.]
So it's like that with Blood Manipulation, your Reversed Cursed Technique, and whatever technique Suck imparted.
[ As if anyone else in their world has died and come back... Kenjaku doesn't count. His blasé view of his own life is a strange disconnect from the way he is about others that have died, the way he can't quite forgive himself, how much he misses them and wishes for them to come back. It's only recently that he's begun to realise the negative impact his own lack of concern might have on others and tried to adjust.
Beaming at the praise, he nods his head. ]
Yeah! Though I don't know if I can use his. I'm not his vessel, so anything he might have had inside me is probably gone.
[ Needs to do his eight black flashes to unlock that stuff...
A shrug. ]
I don't know if I'd want to use his technique either.
[Ironic Yuji thinks not knowing Bakugo's birthday is a big deal, but Yuji dying, twice, isn't. Priorities.
It's like dealing with Izuku, the way the other hero doesn't seem to care or value his own life when it comes to sacrificing it for someone else. Willing to jump in front of another person to shield them as the first recourse of action. Suicidal? Of course not. But for someone like Bakugo, who prides himself with such self-confidence and value, it almost impossible for his mind to understand the mindsets of Izuku and Yuji. But he won't let them walk their path alone.
As always, Yuji's smile lightens everything.]
I doubt it. Some Quirks in my world leave embers behind even after they're gone. If Curse Techniques are similar, he likely left something. Muscle memory takes a shit load of effort to unlearn.
[Especially given what Yuji's been saying about engraving techniques.]
[ His priorities are definitely a little messed up, but surviving in his world has definitely had him growing into someone who has a mindset that's wonky, different. Survival means understanding that pain, suffering and death is normal, so he's accustomed to it, but celebrating a friend's birthday? That's something he's rarely had the chance to do, so it's important to him. It's just how he is, and he wants to enjoy these simple things for as long as he can.
Bakugo, talking to Bakugo, always soothes the rattled edges of Yuji's nerves, and he's enjoying the chance to finally just talk about all the things going on in his mind. Eventually, he might unburden himself totally, but for now... ]
I've never hated anyone the way I hate him. Everything about him is the worst possible way it could be.
[ His hand clenches gently. ]
That's why I'm going to kill him. So no one else has to suffer because of him.
Don't protest when it's a big deal to others then.
[There are plenty of elements about Yuji's world Bakugo doesn't understand, things in his friend's life he won't grasp, but it doesn't change the fact he wants Yuji to live. That simple comment about "be nicer to yourself" means a lot to people looking into Yuji's proverbial windows. Bakugo wants Yuji to continue enjoying those simple things. Alive. He can't convince the other boy to stop being reckless or so self-sacrificing. But he can do plenty to be ready to catch him if he falls and support him along the way.
Unburden everything? Not necessary. Unless Yuji's close to cracking and all of that rushes out, Bakugo won't punch holes or encourage a deluge. It's not his business. He's content to let the sorcerer go at his own pace, like Yuji is with him.]
Slaughter him.
[As a hero, he can't condone killing... but there are times when that choice has to be made. Like Hawks killing Twice. All Might and Endeavor killing the Nomu. Some threats... there's no other way.]
[ There are lots of things about himself that Yuji knows are concerning: his self-loathing, his contentment when it comes to risking his own life and limb, the way he throws himself into fighting as if each mission is his last chance to live, but he is getting better. The support and kindness of the people around him is reshaping him, making him into what he thinks is a better person. Someone who can be strong and happy, as miraculous as it might be.
Killing Sukuna probably isn't the same as killing a person, Yuji rationalises: it's like killing Mahito. Killing curses is his role, his reason for existing now. Kill Sukuna, save his friend. It's what keeps him going.
Rubbing his face, he nods. ]
I know. I'm gonna use this feeling to get stronger, and this time I'll rip his heart out.
[He says he's learning, Bakugo knows he's learning, and yet sometimes, there comes a big reminder it's still very much a work in progress. As much as he gets irritated at Yuji's habits, there are aspects of them he's having to accept himself. Changing the jujutsu sorcerer isn't going to happen. Those thoughts and feelings are too ingrained. And yet, even someone as stubborn as Bakugo changed with people's influence. Maturing from the arrogant, selfish, egotistical abuser to a more heroic, understanding, and somewhat calmer person who actually gives a shit about other people.
It may surprise Yuji to know Bakugo considers the guy a better hero than himself. The same way he holds Izuku in the same regard. Of course, neither can beat out All Might in terms of Bakugo's admiration, so tough shit. All Might forever.
Bakugo accepted the deaths of the Nomu without much problem, since those were more or less monsters, modified corpses brought back to life and stuffed with Quirks and biological science tech to serve as living weapons. Just... not all of those corpses were unknown individuals... and memories don't always disappear. Even in death.]
You sure that'll kill him? You died and came back.
[And one of those deaths was due to heart rip. Bakugo doesn't know that detail, but the question remains.]
I'll eat his heart if I have to. And I'll kill him every single time he comes back if I need to. I'll hunt him down, track him down, and I'll make sure he's dead.
[ Yuji is certain of himself, intense, angry, his expression tightening for a moment. He's remembering Mahito's moment of death, his speech then, the threat and promise - and he feels the same about Sukuna, feels the same about the monster that has taken so much from him without pause nor hesitation. If he can bring Sukuna's end around, if he can make sure that he's gone forever...
It doesn't matter what the cost or risk it.
Looking back over at Bakugo, realising how intense that sounded, he laughs and shakes his head. ]
Won't that just bring him back? You ate his fingers first.
[Which is what Bakugo picked out of the rest of that rant. He understands Yuji's anger and rage, the things he says, the heat of his voice. Feels it in his tone and sees it in the expression on his face. It's an intense focus and promised result, things he accepts about his friend. Though Bakugo won't kill, he knows the feeling, having wanted to kill Shigaraki and All for One pretty damn often in his life since getting involved with them.
But he also doesn't want Yuji to enter some fucked-up loop with the king of curses.]
So what if it's weird. You're like the world's most intense exterminator.
[ There’s an obvious solution, which Yuji isn’t about to bring up and have make the moment even weirder or get another scolding: if he can’t kill Sukuna he could eat a body part again and kill himself, since he could take him on and be a vessel again. Simple, easy, quick. But he’s not going to mention that.
Instead, he waves a hand. ]
Those were cursed objects. I think his heart would be different.
[ Managing an awkward little smile, he sighs. ]
I’ve never hated anyone like this before. Not even close.
[Bakugo would still have his doubts even at that suggestion. Bad guys have a habit of returning from the graven even after a "sure kill" solution was found and implemented. But Yuji doesn't say it, so Bakugo doesn't get the chance to doubt it. He'll have to deal with his own world, where All for One's rewinding and Shigaraki's evolving and heroes and villains are trying to save or kill each other respectively.]
Can't monks mummify their entire bodies, organs and all? [Give him a second.] No, they remove the organs. [Wait.] Shit, that's Egyptian mummies.
[Maybe the heart would be different. He has no clue.]
Oy, Gari Head.
[His tone takes a more serious dip.]
You wanna hate the bastard, fine. But don't get so lost in it, you don't have a reason to live once he's dead.
[He would hate to see Yuji end up like Todoroki Toya...]
I don't really know the answer to it, but I would have to figure it out. We all worked together to make a plan to fight him, so I'm going to work with everyone left to make sure he's gone for good.
[ Even if 'everyone left' is just himself, Choso, Yuta, Maki, Miwa and Kusakabe-sensei. The list isn't huge, but... They'll be able to make it work, surely? They're the people fighting for 'good', and while Yuji might not believe in all of that right now... He wants to hope that them working together will get them the outcome they want.
Glancing back up at Bakugo, he smiles weakly. ]
That's not my reason for living. My reason for living is to make sure that Megumi is safe.
[ To save him, to bring him back, to get rid of Sukuna... All for Megumi. ]
Hn. So you're dealing with the same thing as we are. There's no way for one of us to end All for One. We have to do that together.
[It's good to know that Yuji has friends who are able to help him. Though some are gone to death, some are out of the fight, knowing their legacies and future assistance remain is a heartening fact. All Might was gone, unable to take out All for One alone like he had those two times before... and none of the heroes left could ever be All Might. But together, they could surpass him, and end All for One for good.
Bakugo watches the other boy for a few seconds. After what Yuji said before, it would seem doubtful, and yet, he trusts him. Because he knows what it's like to live for someone you care about.]
That's how it is. I wanted to be able to die and take Sukuna with me, but that's not an option any more, so I'll work this way as well.
[ There are some friends, of course, that he's lost along the way, but he'll fight to keep their memories alive. Kugiskai, Gojo-sensei, Nanamin, Higuruma-san... All people that he carries in his heart, even if he might never see them again once he goes home. That's the sort of thing that's going to keep him going, because without it he's going to fall apart completely.
He has people here, now, too - Raidou, Bakugo, March, Wriothesley, so many people that are becoming more and more important to him as the days go by. He's not going to let go of their memories either. ]
[There's been a lot Yuji's said about Sukuna and Megumi recently. As well as what Bakugo knows about Sukuna and Yuji in the past. How the other boy acquired the curse in the first place. Between those hints and the focus on Megumi, as well as the notion of techniques being carved into the body and what's left behind, he's slowly worked out what likely happened over in Yuji's world. When Yuji mentions "that's not an option anymore", it's the final piece to confirm his suspicions.]
Sukuna switched bodies; he's in Fushiguro now.
[It's a quiet comment, but the weight of it is impossible to miss. No wonder Yuji feels so much guilt over what happened. He took on a burden he didn't know, was tasked with completing this mission and cap it at the end with his death, and despite proceeding towards that end with resolve and acceptance of his task, was taken for a joy ride by a sadistic bastard before said bastard abandoned him and embedded himself into Yuji's best friend.
It's one thing to fight yourself; it's another thing to fight someone you care about. It's one thing to kill yourself without as much guilt; its another to know you might have to kill your best friend for "the better" of the world.
Yeah. It's my fault - and I'm not overexaggerating this time.
[ There's an awkwardness to it, and standing in the middle of the halls to discuss it is a little weird, but there's no one else around. Yuji doesn't want to walk back to Bakugo's room, not when it's his birthday, and they're supposed to be going out to make sure he has a good time and enjoys a movie... Right now, all he's doing is making the day more sad. Maybe this is a little gift in itself, though: letting Bakugo see more of his heart. Showing how much he trusts his friend.
Taking a deep breath in, Yuji shakes his head. ]
I made a Binding Vow with Sukuna - a contract, using cursed energy. In exchange for him bringing me back to life, he'd be able to take control of my body for one minute using a key word, as long as he didn't hurt anyone. I guess when I made it... I didn't consider myself important enough to be 'anyone'.
[ Which meant, in the end, Sukuna could bite his finger off and force-feed it to Megumi. Transfer hosts. Yuji explains this to Bakugo in bleak, quiet tones. ]
I know we can save him, that... We can stop Sukuna from controlling him forever. I know I can punch the point between their souls if I try hard enough. So that's why I ate the Death Paintings, that's why I trained so hard with Kusakabe-sensei, that's why I know I have to get back home eventually. I can't let Megumi suffer in there forever, not if I can do something to save him.
[A movie isn't as important as Yuji. Guilt and sorrow building up, pressuring the soul with a burden that won't go away by itself. He knows the feeling all too well. Stuffing the feelings, pretending everything was all right, yet when he was alone, each "what if" every "if only" all the "why couldn't I" swarmed back to peck, rip, and burrow into his mind until he was on the verge of screaming. but no one else could know, no one else should know, it was his burden to bear...
until he couldn't handle it any further. If it's like that with Yuji, then Bakugo would much rather be there for him and let him finally talk about it than sit in front of a screen and pound it back even further once again.
The fact Yuji trusts him enough to let him see the pain in his heart means a lot.
He listens quietly, taking note of everything the sorcerer is saying. It's hard to imagine Yuji would make a vow with someone as treacherous as Sukuna. Like making a deal with All for One, the only one who benefits from it in the end, is All for One. Yuji never sounded like he trusted the curse enough to make such a deal, especially if he knew death was one way to stop Sukuna, and certainly displayed an almost reckless disregard for his own life. Why the hell would he make a vow?
Unless he was forced or tricked into making it... Bakugo can see that happening, but he keeps it to himself as Yuji reveals how the transfer happened. There's a brief moment of motion as Bakugo silently takes one of Yuji's hands in his own, letting the touch rest at their hips without any attention drawn to it. What is it with fingers in this world?
Shigaraki would be thrilled. Fucking finger fanatic...
By now, he can easily accept the "sorcerer talk" about how to save Megumi, preparing for the fight, and other references. It explains so much of what Yuji's pressured by, and why the return to home is important. Which only makes Bakugo's determination to get everyone back home burn even more. It's a lot to take in even quick summarized like that.]
You will get back home. [He'll make sure of it as best he can.] And I won't stop believing you can win. It would be easier if you'd all focus on killing Sukuna... but you're taking the harder path to save Fushiguro. Many wouldn't. [Because it's something a hero would do.] You're one of the strongest people I know, Itadori.
And I still trust your choices. You did everything you could, with the best intentions. Even when they got fucked up. [He squeezes Yuji's hands.] You might think these are bloody, but I think they're as clean as your heart.
[And he'll tell him that as many times as he needs to.]
It's Bakugo's birthday, so Yuji should be taking care of him - it's an echo in his mind as he forces himself to breathe in and out. How many people know about his future now? Gojo-sensei, Choso... And Bakugo. He hasn't even admitted it all to Raidou, fearing that his partner will see what happened and judge him, won't want to touch him or be around him any more, and that's not something he can handle. He trusts Raidou, but who would want to love a boy who ate his own brothers for survival?
Emotions bubble up inside of him, impossible to ignore or shove aside, because Bakugo is being so kind to him. For someone who has a reputation for being loud, and shouting, and brash, the softness and gentle way he is speaking to Yuji now feels too much like something undeserved. He should learn to keep his mouth shut, to stop talking about things, because all he does is drag Bakugo into his own sadness and his own grief, causing more and more pain, passing on his burdens.
Doesn't he deserve to carry these things alone, with all the things he's done?
Breathing out a shuddering noise, he blinks back tears even as he tries to focus, to turn his hands to squeeze his friend's fingers back gently. He might not think he deserve this, is worth this kind of consideration and affection from Bakugo, but he knows voicing it will just get him into trouble. He'll get scolded instead, or chased around, and that would ruin this moment between them, making him feel even worse. What an awful birthday gift he's given his friend.
Lifting his head, he blinks, tired. Sad. ]
You shouldn't trust me at all. All the people I get close to end up getting hurt or dying. I'm probably some kind of bad omen now...
[ Love is the most twisted curse of all, after all. ]
I want to be the person you believe I am. I don't know if I'm ready to believe it myself yet. Sorry, Katsuki.
[ Is this the first time he's used Bakugo's name? It seems so, but the moment felt right. 'Dandelion' is special, Bakugo for those softer moments, but this... This felt like a moment to bare himself completely, to show the depth of his affection. Bakugo has earned his place amongst the people that Yuji loves most, an unshakable bond that he would fight and die for. ]
It reminds him of something that Uraraka once said. Heroes are always helping other people who suffer. But who helps the heroes when they're suffering? Yuji tries to help so many people, listening to them, encouraging them, protecting them, sacrificing for them, hurting for them. And he usually doesn't like to dwell on his own burdens and pains. The fact he's letting Bakugo help him right now... It's convoluted, but it's a gift in its own way. (Bakugo also trusts Raidou to continue liking Yuji even if he learns these facts, but that's for Raidou and Yuji to work out between them.)
That's the thing about heroes. Heroes stick their noses in business that isn't theirs. A house falling off a cliff. Not their business, but they're there to help. A robbery in a store. Not their store, not their products, but they're there to help. A villain threatening to blow up a city block. Not technically their business, but they're there to help. A cat in a tree, not their business, but they're there.
A young man who holds himself up despite the sadness and grief of his own burden. Not his business... but he's here to help. Reaching out a hand for the lost and weary to take, so he can help support their burdens. Because he's a hero.
You don't have to do this alone. Why? Because I'm here.
It doesn't matter that it's heavy. It doesn't matter that it hurts. That it's sad. It's hard. It matters because it's alone. And for Bakugo, it matters because this is Itadori Yuji. This is his friend. He laces his fingers in Yuji's and holds on tight, silently promising not to go anywhere, not to give up on him.
Even if Yuji doesn't think he deserves this or is worth this... Well, this is one of the times where Bakugo doesn't give a shit what Yuji thinks. He'll be selfish about this all he fucking wants.
So much fear, so much pain, so must disbelief in his own self. Bakugo hates how much damage has been done to Yuji. To someone he cares about. Why can't Yuji see how much good he's done? ... Well, he knows the answer to that. Right now, it's bleak. Of course he'd think himself a bad omen because he's in the middle of a war. Because people target him.
Izuku ran away from all of them, thinking the exact same thing. He would only hurt his friends if he stayed near them. He'd rather be alone, deal with his own burdens alone, face the war alone... It's protection, it's love, it's insane.]
Urusei.
[This time, it's no handhold. Katsuki pulls Yuji's arm to draw him over and promptly embraces him. One arm wrapped around the sorcerer's shoulders, the other gently holding the back of his head to keep him close. Trapping them in a tiny little world where his words can come softly and meant only for Yuji.]
I don't care what you believe about yourself in this. To me, you're a hero. Everyone who got close to you did it because they like you, trust you, believe in you, and care for you. You've saved people, you're fighting to protect even more, there are things only you can do. You're a good person, not some omen.
You don't have to be ready to believe it yet. [Hurt comes. Death comes. Katsuki curls his fingers in Yuji's hair.] I'll do it for both of us.
[One of his teachers died too. Others have been maimed. Others forced to retire. Heroes have died and been hurt, his classmates almost expelled for trying to help him, his greatest idol burning out the last embers of his power just to protect him... Katsuki felt like trash, still feels the weight of that guilt, and hates himself for it. But he knows each of those actions came about because everyone believed in something better in the future.
He can't let Yuji fall. Not even to himself.] I trust your heart's unwavering. So don't apologize, Yuji.
[It's fine. The affection and bond are reflected in the same. A quiet acceptance of that elevation. Just as Yuji's ready to fight and die for him, Katsuki would do the same. Though damn if he wouldn't exhaust ever available option to make sure they both stay alive. If his life serves as living proof that Yuji's not a bad omen, that's a fucking good life.]
[ Yuji falls into the embrace, the hand in his hair, and it feels a little bit like he's breaking, somehow, as if the weight and pressure has all suddenly become just that little bit too much.
There are people that believe in him, of course. He can list them, think of their smiles and their faces, the way they'd left him with their hopes and dreams in his hands, from 'you've got it from here' to the final connection between two people, his and Higuruma-san's gazes finally meeting for the first time right before Sukuna came for him. Yuji knows how it feels to be believed in, just as he knows how it feels to let those people down.
Bakugo's arms around him feel like floating in the ocean, like suddenly that weight is lifted. There's always been a comfort in a hand in his hair (Megumi does it, and Raidou does too, and sometime Nanamin or Gojo-sensei would ruffle his hair) and it soothes him, even as he breaks a little more, the tears flooding his face even as he tries to blink them away. Gojo-sensei is right to call him a crybaby: it seems like that's all he does, even now, in the middle of the corridor, emotions too intense to disappear.
There are things only he can do, and right now that is his focus. To get stronger, to fight, to have his body learn techniques here that he can try and take back with him, to grow stronger and braver and better, so that no one else has to die. The world has taken enough from them, and Yuji wants to stand between Sukuna and what little love he has left and make sure that the only cost is his own. No one else will ever have to feel the grief and pain that he's felt for so, so many more months.
Slowly, as if afraid of falling to pieces in Bakugo's arms, he turns and presses his face into his friend's neck, and he lets himself cry. Just a little. Bakugo can hold him, can carry this burden, just for a few minutes. His dandelion is strong enough for that, and Yuji would never suggest otherwise. ]
That's all I wanted to do. I wanted to help people. To be strong, and be good, and die surrounded by people who loved me. I started out wanting to die without regrets, to never regret how I lived, but I... I can't do that any more.
[ A hand curls into his hair and Yuji sobs, slumping against Bakugo, trusting his friend to catch him. He knows Bakugo will, too, a belief that's ingrained in him, a trust so real that it feels as though he can hold it in his shaky hands and press it against his chest, to hold onto it with a grip so solid it would leave marks.
His hands grip at the back of his friend's shirt, his eyes, damp, stain his neck, the collar of his shirt, but Yuji can't help but hold on. He's been keeping himself together for weeks, but even he isn't strong enough to ignore all of his pain forever. ]
Please believe in me. Don't give up on me, Katsuki. I'll be good enough, I'll be strong enough... I want to come back to you and tell you that I did it. So wait for me, okay? I'll show you that your faith wasn't misplaced. That I'll... I'll do the best that I can.
[He didn't expect him to fall... but he doesn't buckle either. Katsuki holds him, letting Yuji decide whether he'll struggle to keep it in or let it all go. He's been in this place before, breaking down and crying in front of Izuku, yelling about how it was Katsuki's fault All Might had to retire, about how his beliefs couldn't be wrong, could they?
He remembers Izuku likewise, falling into his arms and crying after everyone in 1-A came for him to save him from himself. Everything they said finally leading to the hero breaking down in his childhood friend's arms after Katsuki reaffirmed Izuku's path and choices, admitted his own complicate complexes towards the other boy, then apologized to him for everything he'd done to Izuku.
People are strong, heroes are strong, but they're still people. They break when they fall, they hurt when they're injured, and trying to weather something alone for too long only wears them down. Suffering certainly can help you grow when you overcome it, but it doesn't make you stronger by itself. You shouldn't wish it on anyone either... Not as an excuse to get stronger at least.
His chest clenches as Yuji holds onto him. It means so much to him the other boy listened to him, trusted Katsuki to hear him out. They clash on many things, but agree on many others. Someday, he'll be the one holding onto Yuji... He remembers when All Might hugged him after that fight with Izuku. A hand in his hair felt like such a comfort, hiding his shame and sadness for a little while so he could record. It really did feel like letting someone else handle that burden for a while so his soul and mind could vent all the emotions piled up inside. Katsuki gently caresses through Yuji's hair, fingertips grazing his scalp, wanting to continue offering that respite.
Izuku and Yuji are both crybabies...
When their classmate left and their school went into lockdown as the second war approached, Katsuki threw himself into training. To get stronger, to fight, to improve so he could save as many people as possible once the war broke open. Like Yuji, there are things only he can do. He doesn't want anyone else to die on his watch either. Hero or villain. There's enough loss and pain in the world already; nothing can improve and get better if everyone's dead. Katsuki is willing to die to protect... but he's doggedly determined that no one will have to pay that cost. Including himself.
Listening to and feeling Yuji break down in his arms, Katsuki rests his head against the other boy's own, cheek to his hair and arms giving the occasional squeeze. Tears wet his neck and collar, but it's fine. He holds that burden for a little while. It's so very heavy... and his ginger is so very strong. It's not fair that this world would bring them together and not let them help each other once they finished helping this one. He wants so badly to go back with Yuji and protect him, help him, and it hurts to know that he can't. Somehow... he hopes his words will stay, that Yuji's support will also engrave itself on Katsuki's body, so he can take some of his friend back home with him.]
It's nice to say, but it's impossible. We all have regrets. [Mirko said something similar about living with no regrets, ever day like it was her last... but even she had regrets, failing to kill Shigaraki before the monster awoke and unleashed hell on Japan. She was the only one close enough to do that... and she failed.] But we can make sure our happiness and successes outweigh our regrets. You can still live that way.
[Helpful. Strong. Good. Loved. Regrets don't have to clog up life and drag someone down. Katsuki braces a bit when Yuji drops his weight on him and supports his friend without fail. Holding him close in a safe catch. He wishes he could take all of Yuji's negatives and make them vanish. Such a stupid wish, but it's true. Just like Yuji would probably wish as well. So he holds him, feels the strength in the sorcerer's heart beating strong. This is a friendship he'll protect and cherish. A support he won't ever take for granted. Even as his shirt drags in Yuji's fingers, his collar dampens from hot tears, Katsuki holds on. This precious, fractured person he refuses to let go of.]
Aa. I won't ever give up on you. I know you'll win. And when we meet again, I'll hear all about it. [He'll believe in him, he'll wait for him, he'll keep his faith, knowing Yuji's best will come out. Yuji's promise to return, to prove his life, hits home a lot harder than he might think. Katsuki rests his mouth against the other boy's head, breathing quietly as a number of feelings run through.] I'm with you. Always.
[ Bakugo holds on to him, and Yuji feels as if he can survive this.
How many people has he told about what has happened to Megumi? Gojo-sensei. Choso. He implied it with some others. Taking about his failures still makes him feel sick, discussing the things that he had done in the past still hurts him, but he can't avoid it or deny it any more than he can run from it. Bakugo might say his hands are clean of blood, but Yuji knows otherwise, because there are humans lives that he alone had taken. Add that to the suffering that Sukuna had caused and he's well aware that he can never forgive himself, not even for a moment.
When he had fought Higuruma-san, the other man had told him that he was innocent in the eyes of the law. He wasn't in control, therefore Sukuna was to blame - it came up again when they had been discussing the best option to deal with him using Judgeman. The problem is even with that reality in front of him, ready to be accepted, Yuji simply isn't capable of shrugging away his own belief in his guilt, determined to accept it. The world they live in is one where the good are punished, and the evil thrive, so he was happy to take that punishment and allow himself to accept it, carry it. In some ways, it made him stronger, gave him something to overcome.
In other ways, it broke him more. What do you fight for when you no longer want to fight to stay alive? Without Megumi needing him, Yuji would have very little left now. He'd said 'start by saving me', and Yuji clings to that like a curse, guiding him forward. He isn't going to give up, he isn't going to stop until his best friend is safe and free from the horrors of being a vessel. After all, Yuji knows how that feels.
Regrets are the kind of thing that kill a sorcerer: cursing people with their last words, regrets cloying their throats, dragging them down to the pits of despair and leaving them to rot, but Yuji doesn't know how to deal without them now. He doesn't know what to do other than try and keep fighting, to try and keep pushing, and if he doesn't do that then he feels as if he really will fall apart. This moment, this tenderness with Bakugo, is scraping the surface of the grief and hurt he feels, squashed down inside of him so it doesn't kill him.
Yuji had said it, after all: he wants to be the person people turn to in order to feel safe, and taken care of, that when they see him they feel hope. He doesn't want to be the kind of person that only hurts them.
Letting his grief tip over has him shivering in Bakugo's arms, leaning into him, trying to listen to his words. He wants to live in the way that his friend says he can, wants to allow himself the possibility of a brighter, better future, but he also knows the reality of his world. For all that Bakugo wants Yuji to overcome, for all that he can try and come back here, he also knows one thing: his role in this battle might be to die to save Megumi's life, and that's something he would do without hesitation. Megumi is everything to him, and in the world of Jujutsu Sorcery they are prepared to take that everything from you.
Bakugo remains strong, sturdy, just as Yuji had predicted, and he sinks into him just that little bit more. It's rare that Yuji feels as though he can let himself feel his sadness, let alone share it with others, and while he might not think his crying is much of a gift at all... It's a sign of how much faith he has in Bakugo, how much he treasures their friendship, how much he believes in their shared companionship. Bakugo has come to mean a lot to him in the last few months, and Yuji trusts him with his life.
For someone who's willing to give it all up, that's the best trust he can offer.
Yuji keeps sniffling, keeps gripping at Bakugo, as if afraid that he might just collapse to the floor if he lets go, afraid that he might lose himself to whatever yawning pit is underneath him. Silly, stupid Yuji, feeling too much and not being able to handle it at all. He really is just a teenager, in the end. ]
I'll live how I can. To be the best I can. I... [ He'll die in the best way he can too, if that's how it ends. Yuji thinks of looking into Higuruma's eyes, thinks of Nanami's last words, thinks of Gojo-sensei's smile, and he thinks maybe it would be okay to die to save someone else. It would make his life have the kind of meaning he's always dreamed of.
Sniffling, tears still rolling down his face, he doesn't let go. He squeezes, gently, and swallows the lump in his throat. ]
I want us both to win. I want us to come back here, later, if LILITH lets us, and celebrate. We could have the biggest party and invite everyone... I want to have fun with you too, Katsuki, not just cry.
[That's the very sensation he wants to convey. A hero gives hope and strength. A hero's presence should give every person around them the feeling of "I can get through this" - the symbol of peace and hope.
Katsuki understands the weight of this information passed onto him. A secret, a sorrowful update of Yuji's world and life. It's not his information to pass around and not a shred of it will fall from his lips to anyone other than Yuji himself if they talk about it. But it contextualizes so much of his friend's suffering and the onus behind his guilt and drive going forward. Katsuki doesn't like to discuss his failures either, but after this... he'll probably open up more to Yuji about his own life. Another time. Right now, this is helping Yuji.
Like lancing a wound, it hurts, it looks disgusting, it feels worse, but it drains the bad out to give more room to heal. He would never suggest Yuji avoid his failures or run from them, but rather confront them and conquer them. The problem with Yuji's bloody hands is the circumstances of that blood. Katsuki doesn't think for a second that the sorcerer willingly stepped up with murder and sadism in his heart and eyes to slaughter a human without remorse. Even when Hawks killed Twice, it came at the the end, all doubt and options exhausted, with the final decision being "one man" versus "thousands of innocent lives" - and even that has weighed on the winged hero's heart since then.
Katsuki won't believe Yuji's guilt, even if the sorcerer himself says he's guilty. It's not up to the blonde whether Yuji forgives himself, however, but he'll damn well encourage him to. While hypocritically being unable to forgive himself for his horrible treatment of Izuku all those years and his own hand in ending All Might's era. Factually, Yuji is innocent of the death... but no one can convince his internal judge when his internal jury has already passed "Guilty" as verdict. Izuku's the same way, talking blame, guilt, and responsibility for things that are outside his control. Both of these heroes are insane like that, something Katsuki has to grit his teeth and accept. Can't argue with crazy.
But he will argue Yuji's treatment of himself if he can. Even if it comes in the form of holding him tight while the sorcerer beats himself up inside. Their worlds are extremely different, as Nanami revealed when he and Katsuki clashed over the sorcerer society structure versus the hero society build. Difference in size, teaching, expectations, good, bad, presence, goals. Yuji's treatment at the hands of the society he was just trying to help pissed Katsuki off to no end.
And yet, he'll continue to challenge Yuji not to fight out of the sorrow of his past regrets, but out of the hope for a world and himself that is strong enough and healthy enough not to let those regrets happen again. Perhaps it's the difference between sorcerers who fight in the darkness while heroes have always fought in the light. Regardless, Katsuki won't stop encouraging Yuji to not fall into his own grief and pain. It's there... but it doesn't have to be his fuel.
From people he's talked to, Yuji brings that sensation of safety and light when he's around them. Those who know him better have to accept he needs some... looking out for as well. Katsuki's aware of his heroic friends' mindsets thinking hurting someone can range anywhere from stabbing them in the gut to mildly inconveniencing them.
Yuji's a handful, but a handful Katsuki will keep close to his chest as long as he can, protect, encouraged, cherished, and fussed over. Another shiver and he gathers him in close again, squeezing the opposite shoulder and resting his cheek atop his head. It hurts, but... he's only human. Katsuki knew the pain of death in exchange for life. He'd felt it when he blitzed in front of Izuku and took the fatal blow without even thinking. Felt it again right before Shigaraki punched him in the chest and blew Katsuki's heart to pieces. Each time, he did it to protect. A hero's willing to sacrifice.
... but he doesn't want Yuji to die. It's selfish, simple, and sincere. If even the faintest vestige of himself can survive long enough in his friend's soul to make him change from a fatal rush to a death-defying miracle, that'll be enough for him. There has to be a way to save. He can't give up believing in that. In Yuji.
It's not the tears that are a gift, but the trust enough to let them flow. Katsuki can't squeeze them all out, but he can soak them up and help wipe them away as they go. He feels a silent sense of relief himself that Yuji can address his pain and sadness. The fake smiles, the promises of "I'm fine", pushing himself to swallow it day after day... Punching through that and reaching out for the sad boy inside, even if just for a short while, is a gift. Holding Yuji's hand and feeling his fingers curl around his own for support is a gift.
Katsuki treasures this boy too. And while he trusts Yuji with his life as well and cares about him enough to die for him... how much more meaningful is it to live for him? It's like Izuku's mother said to All Might about Izuku. "Don't give up your life for him. Live properly so you can continue to help him." Being willing to give it all up isn't bad. But Katsuki doesn't want that to be so eagerly offered... by anyone.
He gazes at the wall behind them over top Yuji's head, letting him grip onto him as he stands firm. He won't let go. He won't let him fall. No pit will have Yuji as long as he lives. Katsuki's a silly, stupid teenager as well, who struggles with weakness, who has regrets, who cries in private, even if extremely rare. But he's come to learn he can't handle it all on his own. He's just a boy. Growing into a hero.]
Thank you. [It may be strange to thank someone for promising to live, but between them, it should mean a lot. Fight to live, Yuji. Be ready to die, but fight as hard as fuck to live. If Yuji can promise him that, Katsuki won't ask him for anything else. He never got to be there when Midnight-sensei died. He wasn't there when Sir Nighteye passed away. But he was there when All Might's era came to an end... Dying to save someone is honorable. But he would rather save them alive and smile at them later during recovery. It's one of the issues he has with Yuji and Izuku. Don't glorify your death. Don't die for someone. Live for them. Save them, and yourself, and live. If at all possible.
But he won't say those things to Yuji right now. Another time and place. Katsuki lowers his eyes and closes them as he nuzzles against Yuji's head. Quiet, comforting, gently rubbing his hair again.]
Aa. We'll win. And we'll come back here. [One way or another.] Tch, baka. I've had a lot of fun with you already, Yuji. Besides, [He feels a small smile curve the corner of his mouth, probably Yuji feels it too on his head.] You'll cry anyways when we meet again, cause you're happy.
[ The problem with Yuji remains the way his heart beats and breaks for people: because he has dedicated his life to saving them, to giving them all that he can, everything that he can, choosing that to become his role and his purpose.
Fighting Sukuna doesn't feel as frightening to him as perhaps he should. It's terrifying, of course it is, to fight the King of Curses, the creature that had stolen Gojo-sensei away from him, who had ripped him to shreds and had been a constant thorn in his side. Sukuna had lived in his mind for months, had tried to make him feel that strange, twisting guilt that had eaten him from the inside out, and Yuji had come to know him well enough - well enough to know that he would never stop. He would keep hurting Fushiguro, would keep tearing him apart and destroying the remains of his soul, and thus Yuji would have to fight all the harder to save him.
It's simple to say that's his reason for living, and other people might think that it's a bit narrow-minded of him, but to Yuji it's that easy. Fushiguro Megumi had given him a purpose when he had asked him to 'start by saving me', had given him a reason to continue to fight after all his losses in Shibuya, when he had wanted nothing more than to die. Even now, that echoes in his mind, tears him into a thousand pieces, leaving him broken and wounded and hurting: just him. He is the only person who should have died on that day. His fingers bleeding in the dirty gravel, his hand shaking, mouth tasting like vomit - only him.
Yuji isn't going to get to choose how he dies, not really. It's not up to him to decide how it's going to end. He had known from the first moment that he entered the world of Jujutsu Sorcery that he was going to be subject to execution, so all the hours he spent with the people he loved had felt like borrowed time, had felt like a gift on top of everything else. Why would he ever want to ask for more than that, when he had already been given enough? To be able to be friends with Megumi, with Kugisaki, to meet people like Gojo-sensei, and Nanamin, and Junpei, to know Higuruma-san and Yuta-senpai, see people like Maki-senpai stand tall and strong despite loss...
Coming here, to Neo Tokyo, has changed him a little. He understands, now, more about the kind of damage he causes to people with his mindset, so he is doing what he can to reshape it, to adjust. Not to hope for a better future, necessarily, or to imagine that he'll be able to outlive this fight with Sukuna, but to consider himself a little more. When he fights in missions, when he throws himself into the deep end, when he takes those upgrades without considering the damage it might do in the long run... He can consider what other people might be feeling, because he empathises. He's seen so much hurt and death that he wants to spare his friends that pain, wants to make sure that they never have to experience it because of him.
There's a level of guilt that comes from doing this, as there always will be, but Yuji is starting to put the pieces together. Bakugo is strong, one of the strongest people he's met, and that means he can handle this, just as he wants to handle things for his friend. The idea of this boy being hurt because of him, feeling the same pain and grief he felt when Megumi, Raidou or Kugisaki got hurt is intolerable, and he's had to force himself to rethink his actions. That, plus the previous mission... Is it time that he starts to take more care of himself, starts to reconsider the depth of the danger he puts himself in?
(There are some things he'll still have to do: he'll still fight to get stronger, get the upgrades that seem worth it, so his body can adjust and grow, so that he can relish the chance to be someone better, but he'll think. He'll message. He'll try harder.)
For all that he is growing internally, Yuji knows it's not good enough just yet. He sinks into Bakugo's embrace and allows himself a moment to just cry, to let all the weight of his sadness and grief slip away and fall into Bakugo's arms. For now, perhaps for just this moment, he can allow himself to rely on one of his friends, and maybe that will pave the way for more honesty with the others. Megumi, Kugisaki, Raidou, Gojo-sensei - maybe they can get their share of insights into the depths of just how miserable and broken Yuji Itadori is, more often than not, how his grief has reshaped him and moulded him into someone that lives for a singular purpose.
Does this mean he's rationalised his feelings for Bakugo, that he's thought about the depth of affection? No. In a few short months, this person has become so important to him, reaching the tiers of friendship that he'd never had before, and the thought settles in his mind like a puzzle piece, like it was meant to fit there: I'd die for you too. If, for some reason, it was necessary... Yuji Itadori would die for Katsuki Bakugo, even if his friend would bring him back to kill him for it. Trust like that is borne out of all of these things, and the heart of it is this empathy and understanding that Yuji could never doubt for even a moment.
His grip on his friend doesn't ease, doesn't settle, doesn't relax. If anything, it tightens, and with Yuji's strength it might be enough to hurt a regular person. It's as if the idea of letting go terrifies him, as if he feels like he might somehow disappear and drown in his own misery, or he might just collapse to the ground under the weight of all his own heartache. He doesn't want to keep crying, but it's hard not to when Bakugo - when Katsuki is offering him solace. The others do, this isn't an isolated moment, but Yuji is keeping so many secrets for himself and Gojo-sensei that it's hard to admit it all to anyone else. It's hard to allow himself to speak in real words the hell that he has found himself tied up in, Sukuna's laughter an echo in his mind.
Eventually, the tears do stop, but he doesn't let go of Katsuki, doesn't let himself do anything except lean into him and rest his body against him, taking a little control back. It's a softer embrace now, less sad and desperate and more filled with gratefulness and a flickering sense of contentment and joy, knowing that they're safe together. That they're able to take care of one another, that when he needs it, Katsuki will be here - and Yuji will be here for him, too. It's especially true when he feels that little smile against his body.
Yuji smiles all the time, bright and brilliant, some real, some fake, as if the idea of not smiling would curse others. Katsuki grins, but his smiles are rarer, and Yuji is glad he gets to have this little one for himself, even if it's just for a fleeting moment. He's happy, to have a friend like this, even if he doesn't think he deserves it even a little. There is no world where he would ever be a good enough person to have people like Katsuki and Megumi and Raidou and the others in his life. There's no way he's a good enough person to be this loved.
Nodding his head, he breathes out a shaky sigh against Katsuki's body, eyes still closed, voice a little hoarse from the tears and the new cotton feeling in his throat. ]
Isn't it about time I cried happy tears around you, dandelion? [ He's still gripping at his shirt... He's definitely ruined this one for the day. ] I want the first time you see me next time to be a Yuji who can smile at you, though. So that you know that I held on for as long as I could, and I did the best that I could, and in the end I was a hero of my own making.
[ That it wasn't from Sukuna's powers, or eating his siblings, or from borrowed strength. That he can use what he has, that only he has, to bring Megumi Fushiguro back and save the centre of his entire universe. ]
You can still hit me and call me stupid, though, dandelion.
[Problem. Is it a problem. Yeah, it is in someways. That reckless disregard for his own safety when it comes to helping other people because of that bleeding heart is never going to not be problematic. And yet it's something people who care about Yuji simply have to accept.
Katsuki's aware of the "frozen" state of their world back home, thanks to Yuji and Denji's experiences of going back home and returning to this world. But that can never completely eradicate the concern he feels towards those left behind. All Might's broken and bleeding body, safe behind Katsuki's back-from-the-dead stance, but for how long. Izuku still trapped in mortal combat with Shigaraki, whose mere touch could wipe out miles of Japanese land. All for One, the deadliest villain ever, hovering not far off and threatening to merge with Shigaraki to end the world as they knew it. The broken, the bleeding, the dying, the suffering heroes and villains that lay in states of victory and defeat all around the nation. Innocent civilians and people watching them fight for the sake of their world... All of that trapped in suspended time, ready to start again once "he" ceased to exist in Neo Tokyo.
How the fuck is that comforting?
Even now, Katsuki can still taste blood in his mouth if he thinks about the last moment he had in his world. Yuji's weight is different, just as heavy, carrying a burden of guilt and determination, war-ravaged hope narrowed down to a single life as his goal to save, and somewhere along the way thinking this penance for a death he skipped out on. Katsuki has never once wished to die. No matter his fear, pain, sorrow, or struggle, he determined to overcome the trials and move forward. But not everyone's like that. That's fine. If he's with one of those people, Katsuki vows to slug them in the face and haul their ass up by their collar to yell at them about why they should continue to live.
Yuji should be able to choose how he dies. He'll never accept anything less than that. If it meant standing between the entire Jujutsu world and his friend, Katsuki would take that stance every time, as long as possible, until he perished first. And even then, he'd sure as hell try to take them out with one last explosion. So long as it meant Yuji got to live. It's a pleasant thought, to strive to live a life so well you get to die surrounded by people who love you. But he'd rather live with those people as long as possible, and fight to keep that life going. Old age comes for everyone in the end. No point in hurrying the Grim Reaper along.
Katsuki's watched the sorcerer grow a little here, seen an honest attempt to at least take more people into consideration when he dives into decisions that could satisfy his desire to protect, yet hurt those who love him in the same stroke. It's a fine Catch 22 in that aspect the boy's set himself up for. Katsuki can't live Yuji's life for him, won't, but isn't going to stop growling at him for making those rash decisions. While he can't raze him for wanting to spare someone else the suffering, he will snarl at him for not trusting someone else's strength and resilience. Too much empathy ends up doing nothing more than removing someone else's choices with the excuse of protection. No one wants to be smothered. Pain by itself isn't evil. Katsuki's not lacking in empathy, but he's also more than willing to let someone drop a piano on their foot because they tried to move it by themself.
The problem with Yuji's thoughts of protecting him stem from Katsuki taking offense at the idea his friend thinks he's too weak to handle the trial before them. Protection clashes with his pride, though he's gotten better at accepting this as the year at U.A. went on. Doesn't mean he likes it. Yet so far, Yuji's not been the cause of Katsuki's pain. Frustrations? Sure, a million damn times. When he makes rash decisions, gets himself hurt, bottles up his pain... Does he not trust his strength to weather it? Mah, who knows. It's not like Katsuki's absolved of doing the same in his own ways. At some point, they're going to come to a head about this and it won't be pretty... but it'll be needed. Katsuki has never been one to stand behind a shield. He'd much rather stand beside an ally.
(He's gonna murder him for this new implant, but that'll come after he finishes dealing with his babbling bleeding brother bundled in the bloody bathtub. Which once again having second thoughts about a healing implant.)
Each moment here is a quiet reminder that they're never going to be good enough. No one's perfect. Katsuki holds onto Yuji with no intention of letting him go, taking each tear and weight that seeps into his collar and tugs at his arms. A hero does his best to remove the sadness and fears of those they help. And yet, for all his power, Katsuki's aware he can't reach inside Yuji and pull out all those traumas causing his sorrow. Fucking hell he wishes he could. To promise this boy a future where he can smile with no more worry or loss. He'd take on all his misery and agony if he could, either to carry the burden for him or smash it into smithereens that never haunt Yuji again.
Unfortunately, life's not like that. What Katsuki can do right now is hold him. Carefully handle the broken and rest the pieces together once more. If grief breaks Yuji further, love and kindness can bandage the area and support until it heals. He can do that. Extend his hand into the darkness, pushing and shoving each grieving slash and burning tear aside until he finds the boy in the middle of the maelstromic pit. Catches him. Holds him tight. Not alone. Not weak. It hurts, badly, but he moves with him, trying his damnest to help Yuji walk towards that light. Against all odds. To victory.
Don't die for me. Live for me. That's all he wants. Every feeling he has for this boy pounds down into a final point and crystalizes into one desire. Frustration, affection, curiosity, attraction, anger, happiness, an urge to save his life. It's only been a few months, and Katsuki's found this guy settled in beside his heart to such a point he feels for him things he hasn't for others. He has no intention of ever letting himself be at a point where Yuji would need to even think about such a sacrifice. To let his friend die for him would be a price Katsuki could never pay. Dying hurts like a fucking bitch. And while he would never want anyone to die for him, this intense want to protect blooms for the layers upon layers of friendship, kindness, and trust poured into him but this special boy. So much given to him. How could he do anything but give back the same in return. He'd face down hell itself to make sure Yuji lives.
Katsuki keeps the grunt in his head. He's been grabbed by All Might before, even when severely limited in power and holding back, and Yuji's strength feels comparable. But he bears it without a flicker of discomfort. He's got muscles. He refuses to let his friend hurt him. No matter how tight Yuji has to hold onto him, he stands strong, spreading his fingers over the back of his head and curling them in soothing motions, the hand around his shoulders doing the same as it wanders from shoulder to shoulder blade to middle of back to blade to joint once more. Never leaving that embrace. He'll hold him above his misery, above his vanishing, above his heartache. As long as he needs to for Yuji to regain his strength. Because Yuji is strong, resilient, and unwavering. He trusts him in that, no matter what tears fall. He's only human. Treasured.
Can he tell when Yuji stops crying? Not really. His shirt's damp. But eventually shoulders cease to shiver, those quiet shudders of breath ease, and new gushes of heat taper off. Held close, knees brushing, legs braced, feet instep, arms and head resting together in that protective circle. Letting Yuji lean and take in the comfort and solace. Akin to that time on the boat during the orca kaiju fight, when Yuji healed him and Katsuki finally let himself rest enough to lean against the sorcerer, relying on his strength to support him. Tears can't last forever. Grief is given its due, not a blank check. As the embrace eases up, Katsuki's little hand motions continue their trek. Safe. A storm slowly passing. So this is what it means to be there for someone...
The smile comes quietly, short for a time, but true. A friend like Yuji is one in a million. No matter what the other boy believes about himself, deserving of friends or not, luckily for him, those friends, Katsuki included, don't ascribe to what Yuji thinks about deserving them. They're his friends, the love him, and he's a good person. Period. Yuji will change his mind about that long before they do. Katsuki certainly intends to out-stubborn the guy in this regard. Because Yuji deserves to be loved. It's a good thing the sorcerer doesn't get to decide that for others.
Katsuki opens his eyes again, pink strands tickling the underside of his nose and the sides of his cheeks as he leaves his mouth rested against that ruffle of hair. No wonder Yuji's voice sounds rough.]
You will. [In time. Yuji will. Now is not the time. Sadness and painful tears soak into his shirt, but the source has calmed enough for now. He gives a light squeeze on the back of Yuji's head, fingers threading through the soft sakura there, ring and fifth fingers caressing the dark shorn of his undercut.] Aa. Keep wanting that. And show me that smile the next time we meet again, hero. [He brushes his lips against Yuji's head again, eyes lidding slightly. Those feelings are there. They always will be. He wants to see that sight too. Yuji's victory and life.]
Don't give me a reason to, Gari Head. [Katsuki tightens his arm around Yuji in a quick, affirming embrace. He isn't ever going to give up on him. He'll always trust that Yuji's going to win and save as many as he can.]
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blastedass
no subject
Date: 4/27/24 21:38 (UTC)[Only twice wouldn't make it normal, but Yuji's Yuji and Bakugo rolls his eyes. Heroes risk their lives each time they go out, so he doesn't have much room to talk. Especially since... well... One day he'll have to tell Yuji about that experience. How weird would it be to go "I almost died "and your companion just "Me too!" and continue on.
Sorry he's a smart cookie, Yuji. Let him be confused about you doing your brother's hair while ironically snapping onto how weird curse technique training works. Bakugo doesn't want to push about the paintings.]
Huh. That's a pretty clever analogy, Gari Head.
[And the guy says he's not smart. Okay, academically, yeah. Dumbass. But fighting? Oscillating physical genius.]
So it's like that with Blood Manipulation, your Reversed Cursed Technique, and whatever technique Suck imparted.
no subject
Date: 4/27/24 21:47 (UTC)[ As if anyone else in their world has died and come back... Kenjaku doesn't count. His blasé view of his own life is a strange disconnect from the way he is about others that have died, the way he can't quite forgive himself, how much he misses them and wishes for them to come back. It's only recently that he's begun to realise the negative impact his own lack of concern might have on others and tried to adjust.
Beaming at the praise, he nods his head. ]
Yeah! Though I don't know if I can use his. I'm not his vessel, so anything he might have had inside me is probably gone.
[ Needs to do his eight black flashes to unlock that stuff...
A shrug. ]
I don't know if I'd want to use his technique either.
no subject
Date: 4/27/24 22:00 (UTC)[Ironic Yuji thinks not knowing Bakugo's birthday is a big deal, but Yuji dying, twice, isn't. Priorities.
It's like dealing with Izuku, the way the other hero doesn't seem to care or value his own life when it comes to sacrificing it for someone else. Willing to jump in front of another person to shield them as the first recourse of action. Suicidal? Of course not. But for someone like Bakugo, who prides himself with such self-confidence and value, it almost impossible for his mind to understand the mindsets of Izuku and Yuji. But he won't let them walk their path alone.
As always, Yuji's smile lightens everything.]
I doubt it. Some Quirks in my world leave embers behind even after they're gone. If Curse Techniques are similar, he likely left something. Muscle memory takes a shit load of effort to unlearn.
[Especially given what Yuji's been saying about engraving techniques.]
Not surprising. He's a monster.
no subject
Date: 4/27/24 22:23 (UTC)[ His priorities are definitely a little messed up, but surviving in his world has definitely had him growing into someone who has a mindset that's wonky, different. Survival means understanding that pain, suffering and death is normal, so he's accustomed to it, but celebrating a friend's birthday? That's something he's rarely had the chance to do, so it's important to him. It's just how he is, and he wants to enjoy these simple things for as long as he can.
Bakugo, talking to Bakugo, always soothes the rattled edges of Yuji's nerves, and he's enjoying the chance to finally just talk about all the things going on in his mind. Eventually, he might unburden himself totally, but for now... ]
I've never hated anyone the way I hate him. Everything about him is the worst possible way it could be.
[ His hand clenches gently. ]
That's why I'm going to kill him. So no one else has to suffer because of him.
no subject
Date: 4/27/24 22:33 (UTC)[There are plenty of elements about Yuji's world Bakugo doesn't understand, things in his friend's life he won't grasp, but it doesn't change the fact he wants Yuji to live. That simple comment about "be nicer to yourself" means a lot to people looking into Yuji's proverbial windows. Bakugo wants Yuji to continue enjoying those simple things. Alive. He can't convince the other boy to stop being reckless or so self-sacrificing. But he can do plenty to be ready to catch him if he falls and support him along the way.
Unburden everything? Not necessary. Unless Yuji's close to cracking and all of that rushes out, Bakugo won't punch holes or encourage a deluge. It's not his business. He's content to let the sorcerer go at his own pace, like Yuji is with him.]
Slaughter him.
[As a hero, he can't condone killing... but there are times when that choice has to be made. Like Hawks killing Twice. All Might and Endeavor killing the Nomu. Some threats... there's no other way.]
There's nothing wrong with hating someone.
no subject
Date: 4/27/24 22:39 (UTC)[ There are lots of things about himself that Yuji knows are concerning: his self-loathing, his contentment when it comes to risking his own life and limb, the way he throws himself into fighting as if each mission is his last chance to live, but he is getting better. The support and kindness of the people around him is reshaping him, making him into what he thinks is a better person. Someone who can be strong and happy, as miraculous as it might be.
Killing Sukuna probably isn't the same as killing a person, Yuji rationalises: it's like killing Mahito. Killing curses is his role, his reason for existing now. Kill Sukuna, save his friend. It's what keeps him going.
Rubbing his face, he nods. ]
I know. I'm gonna use this feeling to get stronger, and this time I'll rip his heart out.
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Date: 4/27/24 22:51 (UTC)[He says he's learning, Bakugo knows he's learning, and yet sometimes, there comes a big reminder it's still very much a work in progress. As much as he gets irritated at Yuji's habits, there are aspects of them he's having to accept himself. Changing the jujutsu sorcerer isn't going to happen. Those thoughts and feelings are too ingrained. And yet, even someone as stubborn as Bakugo changed with people's influence. Maturing from the arrogant, selfish, egotistical abuser to a more heroic, understanding, and somewhat calmer person who actually gives a shit about other people.
It may surprise Yuji to know Bakugo considers the guy a better hero than himself. The same way he holds Izuku in the same regard. Of course, neither can beat out All Might in terms of Bakugo's admiration, so tough shit. All Might forever.
Bakugo accepted the deaths of the Nomu without much problem, since those were more or less monsters, modified corpses brought back to life and stuffed with Quirks and biological science tech to serve as living weapons. Just... not all of those corpses were unknown individuals... and memories don't always disappear. Even in death.]
You sure that'll kill him? You died and came back.
[And one of those deaths was due to heart rip. Bakugo doesn't know that detail, but the question remains.]
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Date: 4/27/24 22:58 (UTC)[ Yuji is certain of himself, intense, angry, his expression tightening for a moment. He's remembering Mahito's moment of death, his speech then, the threat and promise - and he feels the same about Sukuna, feels the same about the monster that has taken so much from him without pause nor hesitation. If he can bring Sukuna's end around, if he can make sure that he's gone forever...
It doesn't matter what the cost or risk it.
Looking back over at Bakugo, realising how intense that sounded, he laughs and shakes his head. ]
Sorry. That was weird.
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Date: 4/27/24 23:09 (UTC)[Which is what Bakugo picked out of the rest of that rant. He understands Yuji's anger and rage, the things he says, the heat of his voice. Feels it in his tone and sees it in the expression on his face. It's an intense focus and promised result, things he accepts about his friend. Though Bakugo won't kill, he knows the feeling, having wanted to kill Shigaraki and All for One pretty damn often in his life since getting involved with them.
But he also doesn't want Yuji to enter some fucked-up loop with the king of curses.]
So what if it's weird. You're like the world's most intense exterminator.
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Date: 4/27/24 23:16 (UTC)Instead, he waves a hand. ]
Those were cursed objects. I think his heart would be different.
[ Managing an awkward little smile, he sighs. ]
I’ve never hated anyone like this before. Not even close.
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Date: 4/27/24 23:25 (UTC)Can't monks mummify their entire bodies, organs and all? [Give him a second.] No, they remove the organs. [Wait.] Shit, that's Egyptian mummies.
[Maybe the heart would be different. He has no clue.]
Oy, Gari Head.
[His tone takes a more serious dip.]
You wanna hate the bastard, fine. But don't get so lost in it, you don't have a reason to live once he's dead.
[He would hate to see Yuji end up like Todoroki Toya...]
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Date: 4/28/24 10:48 (UTC)[ Even if 'everyone left' is just himself, Choso, Yuta, Maki, Miwa and Kusakabe-sensei. The list isn't huge, but... They'll be able to make it work, surely? They're the people fighting for 'good', and while Yuji might not believe in all of that right now... He wants to hope that them working together will get them the outcome they want.
Glancing back up at Bakugo, he smiles weakly. ]
That's not my reason for living. My reason for living is to make sure that Megumi is safe.
[ To save him, to bring him back, to get rid of Sukuna... All for Megumi. ]
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Date: 4/28/24 17:12 (UTC)[It's good to know that Yuji has friends who are able to help him. Though some are gone to death, some are out of the fight, knowing their legacies and future assistance remain is a heartening fact. All Might was gone, unable to take out All for One alone like he had those two times before... and none of the heroes left could ever be All Might. But together, they could surpass him, and end All for One for good.
Bakugo watches the other boy for a few seconds. After what Yuji said before, it would seem doubtful, and yet, he trusts him. Because he knows what it's like to live for someone you care about.]
That's a good reason to live.
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Date: 4/28/24 17:57 (UTC)[ There are some friends, of course, that he's lost along the way, but he'll fight to keep their memories alive. Kugiskai, Gojo-sensei, Nanamin, Higuruma-san... All people that he carries in his heart, even if he might never see them again once he goes home. That's the sort of thing that's going to keep him going, because without it he's going to fall apart completely.
He has people here, now, too - Raidou, Bakugo, March, Wriothesley, so many people that are becoming more and more important to him as the days go by. He's not going to let go of their memories either. ]
... Don't tell him about it. Please.
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Date: 4/28/24 18:12 (UTC)Sukuna switched bodies; he's in Fushiguro now.
[It's a quiet comment, but the weight of it is impossible to miss. No wonder Yuji feels so much guilt over what happened. He took on a burden he didn't know, was tasked with completing this mission and cap it at the end with his death, and despite proceeding towards that end with resolve and acceptance of his task, was taken for a joy ride by a sadistic bastard before said bastard abandoned him and embedded himself into Yuji's best friend.
It's one thing to fight yourself; it's another thing to fight someone you care about. It's one thing to kill yourself without as much guilt; its another to know you might have to kill your best friend for "the better" of the world.
All because you weren't strong enough...]
I don't talk about other people's secrets.
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Date: 4/28/24 18:25 (UTC)[ There's an awkwardness to it, and standing in the middle of the halls to discuss it is a little weird, but there's no one else around. Yuji doesn't want to walk back to Bakugo's room, not when it's his birthday, and they're supposed to be going out to make sure he has a good time and enjoys a movie... Right now, all he's doing is making the day more sad. Maybe this is a little gift in itself, though: letting Bakugo see more of his heart. Showing how much he trusts his friend.
Taking a deep breath in, Yuji shakes his head. ]
I made a Binding Vow with Sukuna - a contract, using cursed energy. In exchange for him bringing me back to life, he'd be able to take control of my body for one minute using a key word, as long as he didn't hurt anyone. I guess when I made it... I didn't consider myself important enough to be 'anyone'.
[ Which meant, in the end, Sukuna could bite his finger off and force-feed it to Megumi. Transfer hosts. Yuji explains this to Bakugo in bleak, quiet tones. ]
I know we can save him, that... We can stop Sukuna from controlling him forever. I know I can punch the point between their souls if I try hard enough. So that's why I ate the Death Paintings, that's why I trained so hard with Kusakabe-sensei, that's why I know I have to get back home eventually. I can't let Megumi suffer in there forever, not if I can do something to save him.
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Date: 4/28/24 19:06 (UTC)until he couldn't handle it any further. If it's like that with Yuji, then Bakugo would much rather be there for him and let him finally talk about it than sit in front of a screen and pound it back even further once again.
The fact Yuji trusts him enough to let him see the pain in his heart means a lot.
He listens quietly, taking note of everything the sorcerer is saying. It's hard to imagine Yuji would make a vow with someone as treacherous as Sukuna. Like making a deal with All for One, the only one who benefits from it in the end, is All for One. Yuji never sounded like he trusted the curse enough to make such a deal, especially if he knew death was one way to stop Sukuna, and certainly displayed an almost reckless disregard for his own life. Why the hell would he make a vow?
Unless he was forced or tricked into making it... Bakugo can see that happening, but he keeps it to himself as Yuji reveals how the transfer happened. There's a brief moment of motion as Bakugo silently takes one of Yuji's hands in his own, letting the touch rest at their hips without any attention drawn to it. What is it with fingers in this world?
Shigaraki would be thrilled. Fucking finger fanatic...
By now, he can easily accept the "sorcerer talk" about how to save Megumi, preparing for the fight, and other references. It explains so much of what Yuji's pressured by, and why the return to home is important. Which only makes Bakugo's determination to get everyone back home burn even more. It's a lot to take in even quick summarized like that.]
You will get back home. [He'll make sure of it as best he can.] And I won't stop believing you can win. It would be easier if you'd all focus on killing Sukuna... but you're taking the harder path to save Fushiguro. Many wouldn't. [Because it's something a hero would do.] You're one of the strongest people I know, Itadori.
And I still trust your choices. You did everything you could, with the best intentions. Even when they got fucked up. [He squeezes Yuji's hands.] You might think these are bloody, but I think they're as clean as your heart.
[And he'll tell him that as many times as he needs to.]
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Date: 4/28/24 19:36 (UTC)It's Bakugo's birthday, so Yuji should be taking care of him - it's an echo in his mind as he forces himself to breathe in and out. How many people know about his future now? Gojo-sensei, Choso... And Bakugo. He hasn't even admitted it all to Raidou, fearing that his partner will see what happened and judge him, won't want to touch him or be around him any more, and that's not something he can handle. He trusts Raidou, but who would want to love a boy who ate his own brothers for survival?
Emotions bubble up inside of him, impossible to ignore or shove aside, because Bakugo is being so kind to him. For someone who has a reputation for being loud, and shouting, and brash, the softness and gentle way he is speaking to Yuji now feels too much like something undeserved. He should learn to keep his mouth shut, to stop talking about things, because all he does is drag Bakugo into his own sadness and his own grief, causing more and more pain, passing on his burdens.
Doesn't he deserve to carry these things alone, with all the things he's done?
Breathing out a shuddering noise, he blinks back tears even as he tries to focus, to turn his hands to squeeze his friend's fingers back gently. He might not think he deserve this, is worth this kind of consideration and affection from Bakugo, but he knows voicing it will just get him into trouble. He'll get scolded instead, or chased around, and that would ruin this moment between them, making him feel even worse. What an awful birthday gift he's given his friend.
Lifting his head, he blinks, tired. Sad. ]
You shouldn't trust me at all. All the people I get close to end up getting hurt or dying. I'm probably some kind of bad omen now...
[ Love is the most twisted curse of all, after all. ]
I want to be the person you believe I am. I don't know if I'm ready to believe it myself yet. Sorry, Katsuki.
[ Is this the first time he's used Bakugo's name? It seems so, but the moment felt right. 'Dandelion' is special, Bakugo for those softer moments, but this... This felt like a moment to bare himself completely, to show the depth of his affection. Bakugo has earned his place amongst the people that Yuji loves most, an unshakable bond that he would fight and die for. ]
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Date: 4/28/24 20:18 (UTC)It reminds him of something that Uraraka once said. Heroes are always helping other people who suffer. But who helps the heroes when they're suffering? Yuji tries to help so many people, listening to them, encouraging them, protecting them, sacrificing for them, hurting for them. And he usually doesn't like to dwell on his own burdens and pains. The fact he's letting Bakugo help him right now... It's convoluted, but it's a gift in its own way. (Bakugo also trusts Raidou to continue liking Yuji even if he learns these facts, but that's for Raidou and Yuji to work out between them.)
That's the thing about heroes. Heroes stick their noses in business that isn't theirs. A house falling off a cliff. Not their business, but they're there to help. A robbery in a store. Not their store, not their products, but they're there to help. A villain threatening to blow up a city block. Not technically their business, but they're there to help. A cat in a tree, not their business, but they're there.
A young man who holds himself up despite the sadness and grief of his own burden. Not his business... but he's here to help. Reaching out a hand for the lost and weary to take, so he can help support their burdens. Because he's a hero.
You don't have to do this alone. Why? Because I'm here.
It doesn't matter that it's heavy. It doesn't matter that it hurts. That it's sad. It's hard. It matters because it's alone. And for Bakugo, it matters because this is Itadori Yuji. This is his friend. He laces his fingers in Yuji's and holds on tight, silently promising not to go anywhere, not to give up on him.
Even if Yuji doesn't think he deserves this or is worth this... Well, this is one of the times where Bakugo doesn't give a shit what Yuji thinks. He'll be selfish about this all he fucking wants.
So much fear, so much pain, so must disbelief in his own self. Bakugo hates how much damage has been done to Yuji. To someone he cares about. Why can't Yuji see how much good he's done? ... Well, he knows the answer to that. Right now, it's bleak. Of course he'd think himself a bad omen because he's in the middle of a war. Because people target him.
Izuku ran away from all of them, thinking the exact same thing. He would only hurt his friends if he stayed near them. He'd rather be alone, deal with his own burdens alone, face the war alone... It's protection, it's love, it's insane.]
Urusei.
[This time, it's no handhold. Katsuki pulls Yuji's arm to draw him over and promptly embraces him. One arm wrapped around the sorcerer's shoulders, the other gently holding the back of his head to keep him close. Trapping them in a tiny little world where his words can come softly and meant only for Yuji.]
I don't care what you believe about yourself in this. To me, you're a hero. Everyone who got close to you did it because they like you, trust you, believe in you, and care for you. You've saved people, you're fighting to protect even more, there are things only you can do. You're a good person, not some omen.
You don't have to be ready to believe it yet. [Hurt comes. Death comes. Katsuki curls his fingers in Yuji's hair.] I'll do it for both of us.
[One of his teachers died too. Others have been maimed. Others forced to retire. Heroes have died and been hurt, his classmates almost expelled for trying to help him, his greatest idol burning out the last embers of his power just to protect him... Katsuki felt like trash, still feels the weight of that guilt, and hates himself for it. But he knows each of those actions came about because everyone believed in something better in the future.
He can't let Yuji fall. Not even to himself.] I trust your heart's unwavering. So don't apologize, Yuji.
[It's fine. The affection and bond are reflected in the same. A quiet acceptance of that elevation. Just as Yuji's ready to fight and die for him, Katsuki would do the same. Though damn if he wouldn't exhaust ever available option to make sure they both stay alive. If his life serves as living proof that Yuji's not a bad omen, that's a fucking good life.]
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Date: 4/28/24 20:55 (UTC)There are people that believe in him, of course. He can list them, think of their smiles and their faces, the way they'd left him with their hopes and dreams in his hands, from 'you've got it from here' to the final connection between two people, his and Higuruma-san's gazes finally meeting for the first time right before Sukuna came for him. Yuji knows how it feels to be believed in, just as he knows how it feels to let those people down.
Bakugo's arms around him feel like floating in the ocean, like suddenly that weight is lifted. There's always been a comfort in a hand in his hair (Megumi does it, and Raidou does too, and sometime Nanamin or Gojo-sensei would ruffle his hair) and it soothes him, even as he breaks a little more, the tears flooding his face even as he tries to blink them away. Gojo-sensei is right to call him a crybaby: it seems like that's all he does, even now, in the middle of the corridor, emotions too intense to disappear.
There are things only he can do, and right now that is his focus. To get stronger, to fight, to have his body learn techniques here that he can try and take back with him, to grow stronger and braver and better, so that no one else has to die. The world has taken enough from them, and Yuji wants to stand between Sukuna and what little love he has left and make sure that the only cost is his own. No one else will ever have to feel the grief and pain that he's felt for so, so many more months.
Slowly, as if afraid of falling to pieces in Bakugo's arms, he turns and presses his face into his friend's neck, and he lets himself cry. Just a little. Bakugo can hold him, can carry this burden, just for a few minutes. His dandelion is strong enough for that, and Yuji would never suggest otherwise. ]
That's all I wanted to do. I wanted to help people. To be strong, and be good, and die surrounded by people who loved me. I started out wanting to die without regrets, to never regret how I lived, but I... I can't do that any more.
[ A hand curls into his hair and Yuji sobs, slumping against Bakugo, trusting his friend to catch him. He knows Bakugo will, too, a belief that's ingrained in him, a trust so real that it feels as though he can hold it in his shaky hands and press it against his chest, to hold onto it with a grip so solid it would leave marks.
His hands grip at the back of his friend's shirt, his eyes, damp, stain his neck, the collar of his shirt, but Yuji can't help but hold on. He's been keeping himself together for weeks, but even he isn't strong enough to ignore all of his pain forever. ]
Please believe in me. Don't give up on me, Katsuki. I'll be good enough, I'll be strong enough... I want to come back to you and tell you that I did it. So wait for me, okay? I'll show you that your faith wasn't misplaced. That I'll... I'll do the best that I can.
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Date: 4/28/24 21:34 (UTC)He remembers Izuku likewise, falling into his arms and crying after everyone in 1-A came for him to save him from himself. Everything they said finally leading to the hero breaking down in his childhood friend's arms after Katsuki reaffirmed Izuku's path and choices, admitted his own complicate complexes towards the other boy, then apologized to him for everything he'd done to Izuku.
People are strong, heroes are strong, but they're still people. They break when they fall, they hurt when they're injured, and trying to weather something alone for too long only wears them down. Suffering certainly can help you grow when you overcome it, but it doesn't make you stronger by itself. You shouldn't wish it on anyone either... Not as an excuse to get stronger at least.
His chest clenches as Yuji holds onto him. It means so much to him the other boy listened to him, trusted Katsuki to hear him out. They clash on many things, but agree on many others. Someday, he'll be the one holding onto Yuji... He remembers when All Might hugged him after that fight with Izuku. A hand in his hair felt like such a comfort, hiding his shame and sadness for a little while so he could record. It really did feel like letting someone else handle that burden for a while so his soul and mind could vent all the emotions piled up inside. Katsuki gently caresses through Yuji's hair, fingertips grazing his scalp, wanting to continue offering that respite.
Izuku and Yuji are both crybabies...
When their classmate left and their school went into lockdown as the second war approached, Katsuki threw himself into training. To get stronger, to fight, to improve so he could save as many people as possible once the war broke open. Like Yuji, there are things only he can do. He doesn't want anyone else to die on his watch either. Hero or villain. There's enough loss and pain in the world already; nothing can improve and get better if everyone's dead. Katsuki is willing to die to protect... but he's doggedly determined that no one will have to pay that cost. Including himself.
Listening to and feeling Yuji break down in his arms, Katsuki rests his head against the other boy's own, cheek to his hair and arms giving the occasional squeeze. Tears wet his neck and collar, but it's fine. He holds that burden for a little while. It's so very heavy... and his ginger is so very strong. It's not fair that this world would bring them together and not let them help each other once they finished helping this one. He wants so badly to go back with Yuji and protect him, help him, and it hurts to know that he can't. Somehow... he hopes his words will stay, that Yuji's support will also engrave itself on Katsuki's body, so he can take some of his friend back home with him.]
It's nice to say, but it's impossible. We all have regrets. [Mirko said something similar about living with no regrets, ever day like it was her last... but even she had regrets, failing to kill Shigaraki before the monster awoke and unleashed hell on Japan. She was the only one close enough to do that... and she failed.] But we can make sure our happiness and successes outweigh our regrets. You can still live that way.
[Helpful. Strong. Good. Loved. Regrets don't have to clog up life and drag someone down. Katsuki braces a bit when Yuji drops his weight on him and supports his friend without fail. Holding him close in a safe catch. He wishes he could take all of Yuji's negatives and make them vanish. Such a stupid wish, but it's true. Just like Yuji would probably wish as well. So he holds him, feels the strength in the sorcerer's heart beating strong. This is a friendship he'll protect and cherish. A support he won't ever take for granted. Even as his shirt drags in Yuji's fingers, his collar dampens from hot tears, Katsuki holds on. This precious, fractured person he refuses to let go of.]
Aa. I won't ever give up on you. I know you'll win. And when we meet again, I'll hear all about it. [He'll believe in him, he'll wait for him, he'll keep his faith, knowing Yuji's best will come out. Yuji's promise to return, to prove his life, hits home a lot harder than he might think. Katsuki rests his mouth against the other boy's head, breathing quietly as a number of feelings run through.] I'm with you. Always.
i'm going to fight you "his ginger" MY HEART!! this thread!!
Date: 4/28/24 21:59 (UTC)How many people has he told about what has happened to Megumi? Gojo-sensei. Choso. He implied it with some others. Taking about his failures still makes him feel sick, discussing the things that he had done in the past still hurts him, but he can't avoid it or deny it any more than he can run from it. Bakugo might say his hands are clean of blood, but Yuji knows otherwise, because there are humans lives that he alone had taken. Add that to the suffering that Sukuna had caused and he's well aware that he can never forgive himself, not even for a moment.
When he had fought Higuruma-san, the other man had told him that he was innocent in the eyes of the law. He wasn't in control, therefore Sukuna was to blame - it came up again when they had been discussing the best option to deal with him using Judgeman. The problem is even with that reality in front of him, ready to be accepted, Yuji simply isn't capable of shrugging away his own belief in his guilt, determined to accept it. The world they live in is one where the good are punished, and the evil thrive, so he was happy to take that punishment and allow himself to accept it, carry it. In some ways, it made him stronger, gave him something to overcome.
In other ways, it broke him more. What do you fight for when you no longer want to fight to stay alive? Without Megumi needing him, Yuji would have very little left now. He'd said 'start by saving me', and Yuji clings to that like a curse, guiding him forward. He isn't going to give up, he isn't going to stop until his best friend is safe and free from the horrors of being a vessel. After all, Yuji knows how that feels.
Regrets are the kind of thing that kill a sorcerer: cursing people with their last words, regrets cloying their throats, dragging them down to the pits of despair and leaving them to rot, but Yuji doesn't know how to deal without them now. He doesn't know what to do other than try and keep fighting, to try and keep pushing, and if he doesn't do that then he feels as if he really will fall apart. This moment, this tenderness with Bakugo, is scraping the surface of the grief and hurt he feels, squashed down inside of him so it doesn't kill him.
Yuji had said it, after all: he wants to be the person people turn to in order to feel safe, and taken care of, that when they see him they feel hope. He doesn't want to be the kind of person that only hurts them.
Letting his grief tip over has him shivering in Bakugo's arms, leaning into him, trying to listen to his words. He wants to live in the way that his friend says he can, wants to allow himself the possibility of a brighter, better future, but he also knows the reality of his world. For all that Bakugo wants Yuji to overcome, for all that he can try and come back here, he also knows one thing: his role in this battle might be to die to save Megumi's life, and that's something he would do without hesitation. Megumi is everything to him, and in the world of Jujutsu Sorcery they are prepared to take that everything from you.
Bakugo remains strong, sturdy, just as Yuji had predicted, and he sinks into him just that little bit more. It's rare that Yuji feels as though he can let himself feel his sadness, let alone share it with others, and while he might not think his crying is much of a gift at all... It's a sign of how much faith he has in Bakugo, how much he treasures their friendship, how much he believes in their shared companionship. Bakugo has come to mean a lot to him in the last few months, and Yuji trusts him with his life.
For someone who's willing to give it all up, that's the best trust he can offer.
Yuji keeps sniffling, keeps gripping at Bakugo, as if afraid that he might just collapse to the floor if he lets go, afraid that he might lose himself to whatever yawning pit is underneath him. Silly, stupid Yuji, feeling too much and not being able to handle it at all. He really is just a teenager, in the end. ]
I'll live how I can. To be the best I can. I... [ He'll die in the best way he can too, if that's how it ends. Yuji thinks of looking into Higuruma's eyes, thinks of Nanami's last words, thinks of Gojo-sensei's smile, and he thinks maybe it would be okay to die to save someone else. It would make his life have the kind of meaning he's always dreamed of.
Sniffling, tears still rolling down his face, he doesn't let go. He squeezes, gently, and swallows the lump in his throat. ]
I want us both to win. I want us to come back here, later, if LILITH lets us, and celebrate. We could have the biggest party and invite everyone... I want to have fun with you too, Katsuki, not just cry.
fight me! if he gets to say "his dandelion" then "his ginger" happens! damn onion ninja.
Date: 4/28/24 23:03 (UTC)Katsuki understands the weight of this information passed onto him. A secret, a sorrowful update of Yuji's world and life. It's not his information to pass around and not a shred of it will fall from his lips to anyone other than Yuji himself if they talk about it. But it contextualizes so much of his friend's suffering and the onus behind his guilt and drive going forward. Katsuki doesn't like to discuss his failures either, but after this... he'll probably open up more to Yuji about his own life. Another time. Right now, this is helping Yuji.
Like lancing a wound, it hurts, it looks disgusting, it feels worse, but it drains the bad out to give more room to heal. He would never suggest Yuji avoid his failures or run from them, but rather confront them and conquer them. The problem with Yuji's bloody hands is the circumstances of that blood. Katsuki doesn't think for a second that the sorcerer willingly stepped up with murder and sadism in his heart and eyes to slaughter a human without remorse. Even when Hawks killed Twice, it came at the the end, all doubt and options exhausted, with the final decision being "one man" versus "thousands of innocent lives" - and even that has weighed on the winged hero's heart since then.
Katsuki won't believe Yuji's guilt, even if the sorcerer himself says he's guilty. It's not up to the blonde whether Yuji forgives himself, however, but he'll damn well encourage him to. While hypocritically being unable to forgive himself for his horrible treatment of Izuku all those years and his own hand in ending All Might's era. Factually, Yuji is innocent of the death... but no one can convince his internal judge when his internal jury has already passed "Guilty" as verdict. Izuku's the same way, talking blame, guilt, and responsibility for things that are outside his control. Both of these heroes are insane like that, something Katsuki has to grit his teeth and accept. Can't argue with crazy.
But he will argue Yuji's treatment of himself if he can. Even if it comes in the form of holding him tight while the sorcerer beats himself up inside. Their worlds are extremely different, as Nanami revealed when he and Katsuki clashed over the sorcerer society structure versus the hero society build. Difference in size, teaching, expectations, good, bad, presence, goals. Yuji's treatment at the hands of the society he was just trying to help pissed Katsuki off to no end.
And yet, he'll continue to challenge Yuji not to fight out of the sorrow of his past regrets, but out of the hope for a world and himself that is strong enough and healthy enough not to let those regrets happen again. Perhaps it's the difference between sorcerers who fight in the darkness while heroes have always fought in the light. Regardless, Katsuki won't stop encouraging Yuji to not fall into his own grief and pain. It's there... but it doesn't have to be his fuel.
From people he's talked to, Yuji brings that sensation of safety and light when he's around them. Those who know him better have to accept he needs some... looking out for as well. Katsuki's aware of his heroic friends' mindsets thinking hurting someone can range anywhere from stabbing them in the gut to mildly inconveniencing them.
Yuji's a handful, but a handful Katsuki will keep close to his chest as long as he can, protect, encouraged, cherished, and fussed over. Another shiver and he gathers him in close again, squeezing the opposite shoulder and resting his cheek atop his head. It hurts, but... he's only human. Katsuki knew the pain of death in exchange for life. He'd felt it when he blitzed in front of Izuku and took the fatal blow without even thinking. Felt it again right before Shigaraki punched him in the chest and blew Katsuki's heart to pieces. Each time, he did it to protect. A hero's willing to sacrifice.
... but he doesn't want Yuji to die. It's selfish, simple, and sincere. If even the faintest vestige of himself can survive long enough in his friend's soul to make him change from a fatal rush to a death-defying miracle, that'll be enough for him. There has to be a way to save. He can't give up believing in that. In Yuji.
It's not the tears that are a gift, but the trust enough to let them flow. Katsuki can't squeeze them all out, but he can soak them up and help wipe them away as they go. He feels a silent sense of relief himself that Yuji can address his pain and sadness. The fake smiles, the promises of "I'm fine", pushing himself to swallow it day after day... Punching through that and reaching out for the sad boy inside, even if just for a short while, is a gift. Holding Yuji's hand and feeling his fingers curl around his own for support is a gift.
Katsuki treasures this boy too. And while he trusts Yuji with his life as well and cares about him enough to die for him... how much more meaningful is it to live for him? It's like Izuku's mother said to All Might about Izuku. "Don't give up your life for him. Live properly so you can continue to help him." Being willing to give it all up isn't bad. But Katsuki doesn't want that to be so eagerly offered... by anyone.
He gazes at the wall behind them over top Yuji's head, letting him grip onto him as he stands firm. He won't let go. He won't let him fall. No pit will have Yuji as long as he lives. Katsuki's a silly, stupid teenager as well, who struggles with weakness, who has regrets, who cries in private, even if extremely rare. But he's come to learn he can't handle it all on his own. He's just a boy. Growing into a hero.]
Thank you. [It may be strange to thank someone for promising to live, but between them, it should mean a lot. Fight to live, Yuji. Be ready to die, but fight as hard as fuck to live. If Yuji can promise him that, Katsuki won't ask him for anything else. He never got to be there when Midnight-sensei died. He wasn't there when Sir Nighteye passed away. But he was there when All Might's era came to an end... Dying to save someone is honorable. But he would rather save them alive and smile at them later during recovery. It's one of the issues he has with Yuji and Izuku. Don't glorify your death. Don't die for someone. Live for them. Save them, and yourself, and live. If at all possible.
But he won't say those things to Yuji right now. Another time and place. Katsuki lowers his eyes and closes them as he nuzzles against Yuji's head. Quiet, comforting, gently rubbing his hair again.]
Aa. We'll win. And we'll come back here. [One way or another.] Tch, baka. I've had a lot of fun with you already, Yuji. Besides, [He feels a small smile curve the corner of his mouth, probably Yuji feels it too on his head.] You'll cry anyways when we meet again, cause you're happy.
me vibrating all day at work to reply to this
Date: 4/29/24 22:01 (UTC)Fighting Sukuna doesn't feel as frightening to him as perhaps he should. It's terrifying, of course it is, to fight the King of Curses, the creature that had stolen Gojo-sensei away from him, who had ripped him to shreds and had been a constant thorn in his side. Sukuna had lived in his mind for months, had tried to make him feel that strange, twisting guilt that had eaten him from the inside out, and Yuji had come to know him well enough - well enough to know that he would never stop. He would keep hurting Fushiguro, would keep tearing him apart and destroying the remains of his soul, and thus Yuji would have to fight all the harder to save him.
It's simple to say that's his reason for living, and other people might think that it's a bit narrow-minded of him, but to Yuji it's that easy. Fushiguro Megumi had given him a purpose when he had asked him to 'start by saving me', had given him a reason to continue to fight after all his losses in Shibuya, when he had wanted nothing more than to die. Even now, that echoes in his mind, tears him into a thousand pieces, leaving him broken and wounded and hurting: just him. He is the only person who should have died on that day. His fingers bleeding in the dirty gravel, his hand shaking, mouth tasting like vomit - only him.
Yuji isn't going to get to choose how he dies, not really. It's not up to him to decide how it's going to end. He had known from the first moment that he entered the world of Jujutsu Sorcery that he was going to be subject to execution, so all the hours he spent with the people he loved had felt like borrowed time, had felt like a gift on top of everything else. Why would he ever want to ask for more than that, when he had already been given enough? To be able to be friends with Megumi, with Kugisaki, to meet people like Gojo-sensei, and Nanamin, and Junpei, to know Higuruma-san and Yuta-senpai, see people like Maki-senpai stand tall and strong despite loss...
Coming here, to Neo Tokyo, has changed him a little. He understands, now, more about the kind of damage he causes to people with his mindset, so he is doing what he can to reshape it, to adjust. Not to hope for a better future, necessarily, or to imagine that he'll be able to outlive this fight with Sukuna, but to consider himself a little more. When he fights in missions, when he throws himself into the deep end, when he takes those upgrades without considering the damage it might do in the long run... He can consider what other people might be feeling, because he empathises. He's seen so much hurt and death that he wants to spare his friends that pain, wants to make sure that they never have to experience it because of him.
There's a level of guilt that comes from doing this, as there always will be, but Yuji is starting to put the pieces together. Bakugo is strong, one of the strongest people he's met, and that means he can handle this, just as he wants to handle things for his friend. The idea of this boy being hurt because of him, feeling the same pain and grief he felt when Megumi, Raidou or Kugisaki got hurt is intolerable, and he's had to force himself to rethink his actions. That, plus the previous mission... Is it time that he starts to take more care of himself, starts to reconsider the depth of the danger he puts himself in?
(There are some things he'll still have to do: he'll still fight to get stronger, get the upgrades that seem worth it, so his body can adjust and grow, so that he can relish the chance to be someone better, but he'll think. He'll message. He'll try harder.)
For all that he is growing internally, Yuji knows it's not good enough just yet. He sinks into Bakugo's embrace and allows himself a moment to just cry, to let all the weight of his sadness and grief slip away and fall into Bakugo's arms. For now, perhaps for just this moment, he can allow himself to rely on one of his friends, and maybe that will pave the way for more honesty with the others. Megumi, Kugisaki, Raidou, Gojo-sensei - maybe they can get their share of insights into the depths of just how miserable and broken Yuji Itadori is, more often than not, how his grief has reshaped him and moulded him into someone that lives for a singular purpose.
Does this mean he's rationalised his feelings for Bakugo, that he's thought about the depth of affection? No. In a few short months, this person has become so important to him, reaching the tiers of friendship that he'd never had before, and the thought settles in his mind like a puzzle piece, like it was meant to fit there: I'd die for you too. If, for some reason, it was necessary... Yuji Itadori would die for Katsuki Bakugo, even if his friend would bring him back to kill him for it. Trust like that is borne out of all of these things, and the heart of it is this empathy and understanding that Yuji could never doubt for even a moment.
His grip on his friend doesn't ease, doesn't settle, doesn't relax. If anything, it tightens, and with Yuji's strength it might be enough to hurt a regular person. It's as if the idea of letting go terrifies him, as if he feels like he might somehow disappear and drown in his own misery, or he might just collapse to the ground under the weight of all his own heartache. He doesn't want to keep crying, but it's hard not to when Bakugo - when Katsuki is offering him solace. The others do, this isn't an isolated moment, but Yuji is keeping so many secrets for himself and Gojo-sensei that it's hard to admit it all to anyone else. It's hard to allow himself to speak in real words the hell that he has found himself tied up in, Sukuna's laughter an echo in his mind.
Eventually, the tears do stop, but he doesn't let go of Katsuki, doesn't let himself do anything except lean into him and rest his body against him, taking a little control back. It's a softer embrace now, less sad and desperate and more filled with gratefulness and a flickering sense of contentment and joy, knowing that they're safe together. That they're able to take care of one another, that when he needs it, Katsuki will be here - and Yuji will be here for him, too. It's especially true when he feels that little smile against his body.
Yuji smiles all the time, bright and brilliant, some real, some fake, as if the idea of not smiling would curse others. Katsuki grins, but his smiles are rarer, and Yuji is glad he gets to have this little one for himself, even if it's just for a fleeting moment. He's happy, to have a friend like this, even if he doesn't think he deserves it even a little. There is no world where he would ever be a good enough person to have people like Katsuki and Megumi and Raidou and the others in his life. There's no way he's a good enough person to be this loved.
Nodding his head, he breathes out a shaky sigh against Katsuki's body, eyes still closed, voice a little hoarse from the tears and the new cotton feeling in his throat. ]
Isn't it about time I cried happy tears around you, dandelion? [ He's still gripping at his shirt... He's definitely ruined this one for the day. ] I want the first time you see me next time to be a Yuji who can smile at you, though. So that you know that I held on for as long as I could, and I did the best that I could, and in the end I was a hero of my own making.
[ That it wasn't from Sukuna's powers, or eating his siblings, or from borrowed strength. That he can use what he has, that only he has, to bring Megumi Fushiguro back and save the centre of his entire universe. ]
You can still hit me and call me stupid, though, dandelion.
spills it all over this tag
Date: 4/30/24 00:28 (UTC)Katsuki's aware of the "frozen" state of their world back home, thanks to Yuji and Denji's experiences of going back home and returning to this world. But that can never completely eradicate the concern he feels towards those left behind. All Might's broken and bleeding body, safe behind Katsuki's back-from-the-dead stance, but for how long. Izuku still trapped in mortal combat with Shigaraki, whose mere touch could wipe out miles of Japanese land. All for One, the deadliest villain ever, hovering not far off and threatening to merge with Shigaraki to end the world as they knew it. The broken, the bleeding, the dying, the suffering heroes and villains that lay in states of victory and defeat all around the nation. Innocent civilians and people watching them fight for the sake of their world... All of that trapped in suspended time, ready to start again once "he" ceased to exist in Neo Tokyo.
How the fuck is that comforting?
Even now, Katsuki can still taste blood in his mouth if he thinks about the last moment he had in his world. Yuji's weight is different, just as heavy, carrying a burden of guilt and determination, war-ravaged hope narrowed down to a single life as his goal to save, and somewhere along the way thinking this penance for a death he skipped out on. Katsuki has never once wished to die. No matter his fear, pain, sorrow, or struggle, he determined to overcome the trials and move forward. But not everyone's like that. That's fine. If he's with one of those people, Katsuki vows to slug them in the face and haul their ass up by their collar to yell at them about why they should continue to live.
Yuji should be able to choose how he dies. He'll never accept anything less than that. If it meant standing between the entire Jujutsu world and his friend, Katsuki would take that stance every time, as long as possible, until he perished first. And even then, he'd sure as hell try to take them out with one last explosion. So long as it meant Yuji got to live. It's a pleasant thought, to strive to live a life so well you get to die surrounded by people who love you. But he'd rather live with those people as long as possible, and fight to keep that life going. Old age comes for everyone in the end. No point in hurrying the Grim Reaper along.
Katsuki's watched the sorcerer grow a little here, seen an honest attempt to at least take more people into consideration when he dives into decisions that could satisfy his desire to protect, yet hurt those who love him in the same stroke. It's a fine Catch 22 in that aspect the boy's set himself up for. Katsuki can't live Yuji's life for him, won't, but isn't going to stop growling at him for making those rash decisions. While he can't raze him for wanting to spare someone else the suffering, he will snarl at him for not trusting someone else's strength and resilience. Too much empathy ends up doing nothing more than removing someone else's choices with the excuse of protection. No one wants to be smothered. Pain by itself isn't evil. Katsuki's not lacking in empathy, but he's also more than willing to let someone drop a piano on their foot because they tried to move it by themself.
The problem with Yuji's thoughts of protecting him stem from Katsuki taking offense at the idea his friend thinks he's too weak to handle the trial before them. Protection clashes with his pride, though he's gotten better at accepting this as the year at U.A. went on. Doesn't mean he likes it. Yet so far, Yuji's not been the cause of Katsuki's pain. Frustrations? Sure, a million damn times. When he makes rash decisions, gets himself hurt, bottles up his pain... Does he not trust his strength to weather it? Mah, who knows. It's not like Katsuki's absolved of doing the same in his own ways. At some point, they're going to come to a head about this and it won't be pretty... but it'll be needed. Katsuki has never been one to stand behind a shield. He'd much rather stand beside an ally.
(He's gonna murder him for this new implant, but that'll come after he finishes dealing with his babbling bleeding brother bundled in the bloody bathtub. Which once again having second thoughts about a healing implant.)
Each moment here is a quiet reminder that they're never going to be good enough. No one's perfect. Katsuki holds onto Yuji with no intention of letting him go, taking each tear and weight that seeps into his collar and tugs at his arms. A hero does his best to remove the sadness and fears of those they help. And yet, for all his power, Katsuki's aware he can't reach inside Yuji and pull out all those traumas causing his sorrow. Fucking hell he wishes he could. To promise this boy a future where he can smile with no more worry or loss. He'd take on all his misery and agony if he could, either to carry the burden for him or smash it into smithereens that never haunt Yuji again.
Unfortunately, life's not like that. What Katsuki can do right now is hold him. Carefully handle the broken and rest the pieces together once more. If grief breaks Yuji further, love and kindness can bandage the area and support until it heals. He can do that. Extend his hand into the darkness, pushing and shoving each grieving slash and burning tear aside until he finds the boy in the middle of the maelstromic pit. Catches him. Holds him tight. Not alone. Not weak. It hurts, badly, but he moves with him, trying his damnest to help Yuji walk towards that light. Against all odds. To victory.
Don't die for me. Live for me. That's all he wants. Every feeling he has for this boy pounds down into a final point and crystalizes into one desire. Frustration, affection, curiosity, attraction, anger, happiness, an urge to save his life. It's only been a few months, and Katsuki's found this guy settled in beside his heart to such a point he feels for him things he hasn't for others. He has no intention of ever letting himself be at a point where Yuji would need to even think about such a sacrifice. To let his friend die for him would be a price Katsuki could never pay. Dying hurts like a fucking bitch. And while he would never want anyone to die for him, this intense want to protect blooms for the layers upon layers of friendship, kindness, and trust poured into him but this special boy. So much given to him. How could he do anything but give back the same in return. He'd face down hell itself to make sure Yuji lives.
Katsuki keeps the grunt in his head. He's been grabbed by All Might before, even when severely limited in power and holding back, and Yuji's strength feels comparable. But he bears it without a flicker of discomfort. He's got muscles. He refuses to let his friend hurt him. No matter how tight Yuji has to hold onto him, he stands strong, spreading his fingers over the back of his head and curling them in soothing motions, the hand around his shoulders doing the same as it wanders from shoulder to shoulder blade to middle of back to blade to joint once more. Never leaving that embrace. He'll hold him above his misery, above his vanishing, above his heartache. As long as he needs to for Yuji to regain his strength. Because Yuji is strong, resilient, and unwavering. He trusts him in that, no matter what tears fall. He's only human. Treasured.
Can he tell when Yuji stops crying? Not really. His shirt's damp. But eventually shoulders cease to shiver, those quiet shudders of breath ease, and new gushes of heat taper off. Held close, knees brushing, legs braced, feet instep, arms and head resting together in that protective circle. Letting Yuji lean and take in the comfort and solace. Akin to that time on the boat during the orca kaiju fight, when Yuji healed him and Katsuki finally let himself rest enough to lean against the sorcerer, relying on his strength to support him. Tears can't last forever. Grief is given its due, not a blank check. As the embrace eases up, Katsuki's little hand motions continue their trek. Safe. A storm slowly passing. So this is what it means to be there for someone...
The smile comes quietly, short for a time, but true. A friend like Yuji is one in a million. No matter what the other boy believes about himself, deserving of friends or not, luckily for him, those friends, Katsuki included, don't ascribe to what Yuji thinks about deserving them. They're his friends, the love him, and he's a good person. Period. Yuji will change his mind about that long before they do. Katsuki certainly intends to out-stubborn the guy in this regard. Because Yuji deserves to be loved. It's a good thing the sorcerer doesn't get to decide that for others.
Katsuki opens his eyes again, pink strands tickling the underside of his nose and the sides of his cheeks as he leaves his mouth rested against that ruffle of hair. No wonder Yuji's voice sounds rough.]
You will. [In time. Yuji will. Now is not the time. Sadness and painful tears soak into his shirt, but the source has calmed enough for now. He gives a light squeeze on the back of Yuji's head, fingers threading through the soft sakura there, ring and fifth fingers caressing the dark shorn of his undercut.] Aa. Keep wanting that. And show me that smile the next time we meet again, hero. [He brushes his lips against Yuji's head again, eyes lidding slightly. Those feelings are there. They always will be. He wants to see that sight too. Yuji's victory and life.]
Don't give me a reason to, Gari Head. [Katsuki tightens his arm around Yuji in a quick, affirming embrace. He isn't ever going to give up on him. He'll always trust that Yuji's going to win and save as many as he can.]