[ Katsuki sits, slumped down, and Yuji doesn't move.
It's hard, when he's leaned on his friend so much already. It's hard, when he's already relied on Raidou, when he's seen Nanami, but it doesn't feel real. How can it feel real, when he's going to go back to a world where none of them exist?
It makes his stomach hurt.
Sighing, he tries to tear his arm away, to look over at Katsuki, but it's hard to see through the bleary tears. ]
[He has no answer for that. To go from a place where he has so many people to a home where none of them are. Yuji's gained a lot here. How the hell can he expect him to be happy to go home where none of that is? Weighed down already by his own guilt and pain from experiences before. If Yuji tries hard to pull his hand away, Katsuki will let him, but if his heart isn't in it, then he'll keep the other boy's hand in his own. Heroes are nosy people by default.
Seeing the tears in his eyes hurts. They're not from the injuries just now. They're far deeper.
Katsuki shifts his position and lies down beside Yuji instead, head propped on one arm tucked beneath it. Close enough to offer warmth, but not forcing anything more than presence.]
I'm here.
[For whatever. Even if it's simply to exist next to and believe in a boy who has a hard time doing that himself.]
[None of the details. But he knows Shibuya was a resounding loss for the sorcerers. One Yuji feels extremely at fault for. Katsuki hasn't asked out of respect for Yuji's feelings.]
I see.
[How would he feel the following year, when the anniversary of All Might's retirement came around? ... Guilty.]
[... fuck. On top of whatever else happened, this too? The gut-wrenching feeling returns. There's no way he can completely resonate with that burden of guilt.
Even if the logical point says Yuji didn't do it, of course he'd feel like he was responsible.]
[ Yuji shakes his head. Does he wish that? He's not really sure, but it feels like something that's there, at the forefront of his mind. An easy thought, because he's so used to feeling it, so used to it being a presence in his mind. ]
I guess I had enough fingers... They could've put him down. The others... They'd have been safer.
[He hates it whenever Yuji says that, despite knowing full well why he says it each time. Carrying a burden like that, knowing what it could cause, would cause... Wouldn't the greater good for all be his death? It's a noble reason if you think about it logically.
But... the world can't be saved without innocent Yuji's death?
Katsuki refuses to believe that, as cliche and foolish as it sounds.]
Yuji. [His gaze on the other boy never wavers.] Do you think Gojo, Megumi, Nanami, and Megumi are idiots?
[Does Yuji think Katsuki's going to do something to make him feel worse? Deliberately?
As hard as it is to feel the hope and drive to live in the middle of a storm of guilt and pain... he refuses to let Yuji sink into such a thought too far.]
They all had reasons for wanting you to stay alive. Even if it came with that risk.
[Regardless of whether the reason was to catch more fingers, fight more curses, protect his innocence, or love a friend.
Each of them could have killed him.
Each of them decided Yuji's life was more important than his death.]
I know it's hard to see it right now, but they all supported your life. And they're not idiots.
You know Gojo-sensei was the one who promised to kill me, right?
[ It's said petulantly, because Yuji knows the truth; Gojo-sensei was never going to kill him. He was going to find a way to save Yuji, so that they could all live happily in the future and find their own joy.
Funny how that worked out.
Sighing, he bites his lip, hard, before he focusses, still not really able to look over. ]
Yeah. Nanami told me a long time ago. [First Nanami.] You know why he did too.
[There weren't a lot of details, but in his conversations with Megumi, Nobara, Yuji, and Nanami over the months, Katsuki got a good representation of Gojo. Ironically he's never met the man here. But someone like Gojo killing Yuji? Nah. He wanted to save him. Promising to be the one to do it gave Gojo the freedom to set the timeframe and use it to his advantage. You don't kill your students.
Katsuki can't force Yuji out of the thoughts, but he can remind him of the truth when his brain keeps shoving the painful urges and doubts into his heart.]
I know. [Everything Yuji's gone through, revisiting all of it, losing the people close to him, ups and down... It'd sap anyone of their strength.] If could, I'd take as much of your burden as possible.
I wouldn't want you to do that, Katsuki. You've got enough to worry about.
[ Yuji's aware of enough of Katsuki's world to know they both have too much to deal with. They're just teenagers, but they're teenagers thrust into a world in which they can barely muster the strength to keep going sometimes. They're the ones that have to save their worlds, no matter what the cost might be to them personally.
It's hard not to draw the comparison to being a cog.
Sighing softly, he closes his eyes, tilting his head into the mat and gritting his teeth. ]
I didn't know you talked to Nanamin about that kind of stuff.
[Even if it drove him to his knees, he would support that burden to give Yuji some time to rest and recover. A hero can't pick and choose the amount of help he or she provides. They're there to help as much as they can. Even if it's only words offered right now. Maybe that's enough to give some support. Simply knowing you're not alone. That someone's there.
The day he's able to reunite with Yuji and both of them can reveal their victories...
He understands Yuji's idea of cogs, but refuses to accept it himself. Katsuki goes quiet for a while before looking up at the ceiling.]
The last time I met with him, we were working on an old couples' house in the bay area. We talked about a lot of things. Gojo. You. His mentoring. Sorcerer society. Why he stopped caring about most things. He said a lot that made it sound like he didn't give a shit. But he did. He cared about you, your future, your life. I think you showed him a future he had all but given up on, and reignited his belief in leaving things better off than he had them. Including you.
[ Yuji leans back, sighing softly as he closes his eyes. To have Nanami back, to hear words about himself... From that man... He feels himself flooded with warmth and butterflies, but also a strange kind of grief. ]
I didn't mean to do that. I didn't want him to go and fight. Is it my fault, that he was down there in Shibuya? If... If I'd convinced him otherwise, or if I'd been faster to get to him, maybe Ieiri-san could've...
[Hearing from your deceased mentor... Katsuki thinks he'd feel the same if he heard someone tell him about advice or compliments from Midnight to him after her demise. A bittersweet memory. He can't offer much more than that regarding the last time he spend with Nanami. Yet a lot was said between them.]
Yuji. If you wanna chase the fault, it'd go all the way back to that Suck and the people around him. [Katsuki rolls his head to the side, looking at his friend.] Nanami was a sorcerer. His actions that day were part of his job, just like Endeavor or All Might as heroes. He knew that when he became one.
Don't blame yourself for something he did willingly. I don't think Nananmi would want to become a burden on your heart.
[It is stupid to think about, but it's also human nature. If only's lived rent free in their heads.]
[ Yuji stops. He pauses, and he turns his head, finally looking at Katsuki, eyes damp and clammy from his tears and his deep, painful well of sadness. It's hard, to open his eyes to the light again and think, but... ]
I don't remember... Did I tell you his last words?
[ The last things spoken by Nanami Kento in the living world, and Yuji Itadori was the witness to it. ]
[Katsuki meets Yuji's eyes, their normal fiery scowl replaced with the rare moments of softer expression. Seeing his best friend's eyes watery and sorrowful hurts and he moves his hand on the floor, enough to brush the backs of his fingers against Yuji's. In case he needs the encouragement or comfort. Painful memories...]
No.
[If that's an invitation to tell him or a reminder he's kept it private, Yuji can make the decision.]
[ Heavy words, weren’t they? Yuji can’t really say whether or not they were fair words, but he’s starting to understand it a little better. Nanami wasn’t trying to curse him, wasn’t trying to make him feel bad, or regretful, or make him feel all that guilt and pain. It was passing the mantle and hoping Yuji could carry it: it was a sign of his faith in him, even after such a short time together.
It has taken him time to get it. Sniffling a little, Yuji wheezes out a little noise, a choked off laugh mixed with a sob. Nanami had cherished him, even back then, huh? ]
It took me a while… But he smiled at me, in the end. I remember him smiling, not what Mahito did to him, and… I made a promise. ‘I’ll carry your share of suffering too, Nanamin’.
[ Biting his lip, hard enough to draw blood, Yuji shudders. ]
I think… I don’t know if I can say how much he means to me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
blastedass) wrote2020-08-08 04:37 pm
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It's hard, when he's leaned on his friend so much already. It's hard, when he's already relied on Raidou, when he's seen Nanami, but it doesn't feel real. How can it feel real, when he's going to go back to a world where none of them exist?
It makes his stomach hurt.
Sighing, he tries to tear his arm away, to look over at Katsuki, but it's hard to see through the bleary tears. ]
Katsuki.
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Seeing the tears in his eyes hurts. They're not from the injuries just now. They're far deeper.
Katsuki shifts his position and lies down beside Yuji instead, head propped on one arm tucked beneath it. Close enough to offer warmth, but not forcing anything more than presence.]
I'm here.
[For whatever. Even if it's simply to exist next to and believe in a boy who has a hard time doing that himself.]
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Then he speaks. ]
Shibuya.
[ How much has he told Katsuki? He doesn't remember. ]
It was a year ago. Today.
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I see.
[How would he feel the following year, when the anniversary of All Might's retirement came around? ... Guilty.]
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[ Yuji sighs, and it comes out a little garbled. ]
It all happened. It was... Ten minutes? Ten minutes. Something like that.
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Ten minutes. Damn.
[Such a short time, but a lot can happen in that amount. Including changing everything.]
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[ Still unable to move, too deep in his own emotional grief, Yuji sighs. ]
Everything went wrong, and I...
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His chest clenches in his own recollection. The forest training was supposed to be just that. A class excursion... and then...
...everything went wrong.]
You?
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[ His hands clench, gripping around nothing. ]
I couldn't stop any of it.
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Even if the logical point says Yuji didn't do it, of course he'd feel like he was responsible.]
Yuji...
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[ Yuji shakes as he tries so, so hard to keep grip of his tears. ]
I should've been better. It was my responsibility.
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It...
[wasn't your fault, wasn't fair to expect that of you, wasn't something you could have known, wasn't your responsibility, wasn't you
Yuji's heard all those things before.]
You would've stopped it, if you could.
cw: suicide ideation
[ Yuji shakes his head. Does he wish that? He's not really sure, but it feels like something that's there, at the forefront of his mind. An easy thought, because he's so used to feeling it, so used to it being a presence in his mind. ]
I guess I had enough fingers... They could've put him down. The others... They'd have been safer.
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But... the world can't be saved without innocent Yuji's death?
Katsuki refuses to believe that, as cliche and foolish as it sounds.]
Yuji. [His gaze on the other boy never wavers.] Do you think Gojo, Megumi, Nanami, and Megumi are idiots?
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[ He knows what's going to happen.
Katsuki is going to do something to try and make him feel better, and it strikes him, suddenly.
He had told Nanamin that he wanted to live, now. It's not a lie - he does, he does want to live, to grow older and take care of his friends, but...
It's hard to remember that, right now. ]
They're not stupid.
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As hard as it is to feel the hope and drive to live in the middle of a storm of guilt and pain... he refuses to let Yuji sink into such a thought too far.]
They all had reasons for wanting you to stay alive. Even if it came with that risk.
[Regardless of whether the reason was to catch more fingers, fight more curses, protect his innocence, or love a friend.
Each of them could have killed him.
Each of them decided Yuji's life was more important than his death.]
I know it's hard to see it right now, but they all supported your life. And they're not idiots.
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[ It's said petulantly, because Yuji knows the truth; Gojo-sensei was never going to kill him. He was going to find a way to save Yuji, so that they could all live happily in the future and find their own joy.
Funny how that worked out.
Sighing, he bites his lip, hard, before he focusses, still not really able to look over. ]
I'm so tired, Katsuki...
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[There weren't a lot of details, but in his conversations with Megumi, Nobara, Yuji, and Nanami over the months, Katsuki got a good representation of Gojo. Ironically he's never met the man here. But someone like Gojo killing Yuji? Nah. He wanted to save him. Promising to be the one to do it gave Gojo the freedom to set the timeframe and use it to his advantage. You don't kill your students.
Katsuki can't force Yuji out of the thoughts, but he can remind him of the truth when his brain keeps shoving the painful urges and doubts into his heart.]
I know. [Everything Yuji's gone through, revisiting all of it, losing the people close to him, ups and down... It'd sap anyone of their strength.] If could, I'd take as much of your burden as possible.
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[ Yuji's aware of enough of Katsuki's world to know they both have too much to deal with. They're just teenagers, but they're teenagers thrust into a world in which they can barely muster the strength to keep going sometimes. They're the ones that have to save their worlds, no matter what the cost might be to them personally.
It's hard not to draw the comparison to being a cog.
Sighing softly, he closes his eyes, tilting his head into the mat and gritting his teeth. ]
I didn't know you talked to Nanamin about that kind of stuff.
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[Even if it drove him to his knees, he would support that burden to give Yuji some time to rest and recover. A hero can't pick and choose the amount of help he or she provides. They're there to help as much as they can. Even if it's only words offered right now. Maybe that's enough to give some support. Simply knowing you're not alone. That someone's there.
The day he's able to reunite with Yuji and both of them can reveal their victories...
He understands Yuji's idea of cogs, but refuses to accept it himself. Katsuki goes quiet for a while before looking up at the ceiling.]
The last time I met with him, we were working on an old couples' house in the bay area. We talked about a lot of things. Gojo. You. His mentoring. Sorcerer society. Why he stopped caring about most things. He said a lot that made it sound like he didn't give a shit. But he did. He cared about you, your future, your life. I think you showed him a future he had all but given up on, and reignited his belief in leaving things better off than he had them. Including you.
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[ Yuji leans back, sighing softly as he closes his eyes. To have Nanami back, to hear words about himself... From that man... He feels himself flooded with warmth and butterflies, but also a strange kind of grief. ]
I didn't mean to do that. I didn't want him to go and fight. Is it my fault, that he was down there in Shibuya? If... If I'd convinced him otherwise, or if I'd been faster to get to him, maybe Ieiri-san could've...
[ He chews on his lip. ]
Stupid to think about.
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Yuji. If you wanna chase the fault, it'd go all the way back to that Suck and the people around him. [Katsuki rolls his head to the side, looking at his friend.] Nanami was a sorcerer. His actions that day were part of his job, just like Endeavor or All Might as heroes. He knew that when he became one.
Don't blame yourself for something he did willingly. I don't think Nananmi would want to become a burden on your heart.
[It is stupid to think about, but it's also human nature. If only's lived rent free in their heads.]
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[ Yuji stops. He pauses, and he turns his head, finally looking at Katsuki, eyes damp and clammy from his tears and his deep, painful well of sadness. It's hard, to open his eyes to the light again and think, but... ]
I don't remember... Did I tell you his last words?
[ The last things spoken by Nanami Kento in the living world, and Yuji Itadori was the witness to it. ]
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No.
[If that's an invitation to tell him or a reminder he's kept it private, Yuji can make the decision.]
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[ Heavy words, weren’t they? Yuji can’t really say whether or not they were fair words, but he’s starting to understand it a little better. Nanami wasn’t trying to curse him, wasn’t trying to make him feel bad, or regretful, or make him feel all that guilt and pain. It was passing the mantle and hoping Yuji could carry it: it was a sign of his faith in him, even after such a short time together.
It has taken him time to get it. Sniffling a little, Yuji wheezes out a little noise, a choked off laugh mixed with a sob. Nanami had cherished him, even back then, huh? ]
It took me a while… But he smiled at me, in the end. I remember him smiling, not what Mahito did to him, and… I made a promise. ‘I’ll carry your share of suffering too, Nanamin’.
[ Biting his lip, hard enough to draw blood, Yuji shudders. ]
I think… I don’t know if I can say how much he means to me.
(no subject)