[ The problem with Yuji remains the way his heart beats and breaks for people: because he has dedicated his life to saving them, to giving them all that he can, everything that he can, choosing that to become his role and his purpose.
Fighting Sukuna doesn't feel as frightening to him as perhaps he should. It's terrifying, of course it is, to fight the King of Curses, the creature that had stolen Gojo-sensei away from him, who had ripped him to shreds and had been a constant thorn in his side. Sukuna had lived in his mind for months, had tried to make him feel that strange, twisting guilt that had eaten him from the inside out, and Yuji had come to know him well enough - well enough to know that he would never stop. He would keep hurting Fushiguro, would keep tearing him apart and destroying the remains of his soul, and thus Yuji would have to fight all the harder to save him.
It's simple to say that's his reason for living, and other people might think that it's a bit narrow-minded of him, but to Yuji it's that easy. Fushiguro Megumi had given him a purpose when he had asked him to 'start by saving me', had given him a reason to continue to fight after all his losses in Shibuya, when he had wanted nothing more than to die. Even now, that echoes in his mind, tears him into a thousand pieces, leaving him broken and wounded and hurting: just him. He is the only person who should have died on that day. His fingers bleeding in the dirty gravel, his hand shaking, mouth tasting like vomit - only him.
Yuji isn't going to get to choose how he dies, not really. It's not up to him to decide how it's going to end. He had known from the first moment that he entered the world of Jujutsu Sorcery that he was going to be subject to execution, so all the hours he spent with the people he loved had felt like borrowed time, had felt like a gift on top of everything else. Why would he ever want to ask for more than that, when he had already been given enough? To be able to be friends with Megumi, with Kugisaki, to meet people like Gojo-sensei, and Nanamin, and Junpei, to know Higuruma-san and Yuta-senpai, see people like Maki-senpai stand tall and strong despite loss...
Coming here, to Neo Tokyo, has changed him a little. He understands, now, more about the kind of damage he causes to people with his mindset, so he is doing what he can to reshape it, to adjust. Not to hope for a better future, necessarily, or to imagine that he'll be able to outlive this fight with Sukuna, but to consider himself a little more. When he fights in missions, when he throws himself into the deep end, when he takes those upgrades without considering the damage it might do in the long run... He can consider what other people might be feeling, because he empathises. He's seen so much hurt and death that he wants to spare his friends that pain, wants to make sure that they never have to experience it because of him.
There's a level of guilt that comes from doing this, as there always will be, but Yuji is starting to put the pieces together. Bakugo is strong, one of the strongest people he's met, and that means he can handle this, just as he wants to handle things for his friend. The idea of this boy being hurt because of him, feeling the same pain and grief he felt when Megumi, Raidou or Kugisaki got hurt is intolerable, and he's had to force himself to rethink his actions. That, plus the previous mission... Is it time that he starts to take more care of himself, starts to reconsider the depth of the danger he puts himself in?
(There are some things he'll still have to do: he'll still fight to get stronger, get the upgrades that seem worth it, so his body can adjust and grow, so that he can relish the chance to be someone better, but he'll think. He'll message. He'll try harder.)
For all that he is growing internally, Yuji knows it's not good enough just yet. He sinks into Bakugo's embrace and allows himself a moment to just cry, to let all the weight of his sadness and grief slip away and fall into Bakugo's arms. For now, perhaps for just this moment, he can allow himself to rely on one of his friends, and maybe that will pave the way for more honesty with the others. Megumi, Kugisaki, Raidou, Gojo-sensei - maybe they can get their share of insights into the depths of just how miserable and broken Yuji Itadori is, more often than not, how his grief has reshaped him and moulded him into someone that lives for a singular purpose.
Does this mean he's rationalised his feelings for Bakugo, that he's thought about the depth of affection? No. In a few short months, this person has become so important to him, reaching the tiers of friendship that he'd never had before, and the thought settles in his mind like a puzzle piece, like it was meant to fit there: I'd die for you too. If, for some reason, it was necessary... Yuji Itadori would die for Katsuki Bakugo, even if his friend would bring him back to kill him for it. Trust like that is borne out of all of these things, and the heart of it is this empathy and understanding that Yuji could never doubt for even a moment.
His grip on his friend doesn't ease, doesn't settle, doesn't relax. If anything, it tightens, and with Yuji's strength it might be enough to hurt a regular person. It's as if the idea of letting go terrifies him, as if he feels like he might somehow disappear and drown in his own misery, or he might just collapse to the ground under the weight of all his own heartache. He doesn't want to keep crying, but it's hard not to when Bakugo - when Katsuki is offering him solace. The others do, this isn't an isolated moment, but Yuji is keeping so many secrets for himself and Gojo-sensei that it's hard to admit it all to anyone else. It's hard to allow himself to speak in real words the hell that he has found himself tied up in, Sukuna's laughter an echo in his mind.
Eventually, the tears do stop, but he doesn't let go of Katsuki, doesn't let himself do anything except lean into him and rest his body against him, taking a little control back. It's a softer embrace now, less sad and desperate and more filled with gratefulness and a flickering sense of contentment and joy, knowing that they're safe together. That they're able to take care of one another, that when he needs it, Katsuki will be here - and Yuji will be here for him, too. It's especially true when he feels that little smile against his body.
Yuji smiles all the time, bright and brilliant, some real, some fake, as if the idea of not smiling would curse others. Katsuki grins, but his smiles are rarer, and Yuji is glad he gets to have this little one for himself, even if it's just for a fleeting moment. He's happy, to have a friend like this, even if he doesn't think he deserves it even a little. There is no world where he would ever be a good enough person to have people like Katsuki and Megumi and Raidou and the others in his life. There's no way he's a good enough person to be this loved.
Nodding his head, he breathes out a shaky sigh against Katsuki's body, eyes still closed, voice a little hoarse from the tears and the new cotton feeling in his throat. ]
Isn't it about time I cried happy tears around you, dandelion? [ He's still gripping at his shirt... He's definitely ruined this one for the day. ] I want the first time you see me next time to be a Yuji who can smile at you, though. So that you know that I held on for as long as I could, and I did the best that I could, and in the end I was a hero of my own making.
[ That it wasn't from Sukuna's powers, or eating his siblings, or from borrowed strength. That he can use what he has, that only he has, to bring Megumi Fushiguro back and save the centre of his entire universe. ]
You can still hit me and call me stupid, though, dandelion.
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me vibrating all day at work to reply to this
Date: 4/29/24 22:01 (UTC)Fighting Sukuna doesn't feel as frightening to him as perhaps he should. It's terrifying, of course it is, to fight the King of Curses, the creature that had stolen Gojo-sensei away from him, who had ripped him to shreds and had been a constant thorn in his side. Sukuna had lived in his mind for months, had tried to make him feel that strange, twisting guilt that had eaten him from the inside out, and Yuji had come to know him well enough - well enough to know that he would never stop. He would keep hurting Fushiguro, would keep tearing him apart and destroying the remains of his soul, and thus Yuji would have to fight all the harder to save him.
It's simple to say that's his reason for living, and other people might think that it's a bit narrow-minded of him, but to Yuji it's that easy. Fushiguro Megumi had given him a purpose when he had asked him to 'start by saving me', had given him a reason to continue to fight after all his losses in Shibuya, when he had wanted nothing more than to die. Even now, that echoes in his mind, tears him into a thousand pieces, leaving him broken and wounded and hurting: just him. He is the only person who should have died on that day. His fingers bleeding in the dirty gravel, his hand shaking, mouth tasting like vomit - only him.
Yuji isn't going to get to choose how he dies, not really. It's not up to him to decide how it's going to end. He had known from the first moment that he entered the world of Jujutsu Sorcery that he was going to be subject to execution, so all the hours he spent with the people he loved had felt like borrowed time, had felt like a gift on top of everything else. Why would he ever want to ask for more than that, when he had already been given enough? To be able to be friends with Megumi, with Kugisaki, to meet people like Gojo-sensei, and Nanamin, and Junpei, to know Higuruma-san and Yuta-senpai, see people like Maki-senpai stand tall and strong despite loss...
Coming here, to Neo Tokyo, has changed him a little. He understands, now, more about the kind of damage he causes to people with his mindset, so he is doing what he can to reshape it, to adjust. Not to hope for a better future, necessarily, or to imagine that he'll be able to outlive this fight with Sukuna, but to consider himself a little more. When he fights in missions, when he throws himself into the deep end, when he takes those upgrades without considering the damage it might do in the long run... He can consider what other people might be feeling, because he empathises. He's seen so much hurt and death that he wants to spare his friends that pain, wants to make sure that they never have to experience it because of him.
There's a level of guilt that comes from doing this, as there always will be, but Yuji is starting to put the pieces together. Bakugo is strong, one of the strongest people he's met, and that means he can handle this, just as he wants to handle things for his friend. The idea of this boy being hurt because of him, feeling the same pain and grief he felt when Megumi, Raidou or Kugisaki got hurt is intolerable, and he's had to force himself to rethink his actions. That, plus the previous mission... Is it time that he starts to take more care of himself, starts to reconsider the depth of the danger he puts himself in?
(There are some things he'll still have to do: he'll still fight to get stronger, get the upgrades that seem worth it, so his body can adjust and grow, so that he can relish the chance to be someone better, but he'll think. He'll message. He'll try harder.)
For all that he is growing internally, Yuji knows it's not good enough just yet. He sinks into Bakugo's embrace and allows himself a moment to just cry, to let all the weight of his sadness and grief slip away and fall into Bakugo's arms. For now, perhaps for just this moment, he can allow himself to rely on one of his friends, and maybe that will pave the way for more honesty with the others. Megumi, Kugisaki, Raidou, Gojo-sensei - maybe they can get their share of insights into the depths of just how miserable and broken Yuji Itadori is, more often than not, how his grief has reshaped him and moulded him into someone that lives for a singular purpose.
Does this mean he's rationalised his feelings for Bakugo, that he's thought about the depth of affection? No. In a few short months, this person has become so important to him, reaching the tiers of friendship that he'd never had before, and the thought settles in his mind like a puzzle piece, like it was meant to fit there: I'd die for you too. If, for some reason, it was necessary... Yuji Itadori would die for Katsuki Bakugo, even if his friend would bring him back to kill him for it. Trust like that is borne out of all of these things, and the heart of it is this empathy and understanding that Yuji could never doubt for even a moment.
His grip on his friend doesn't ease, doesn't settle, doesn't relax. If anything, it tightens, and with Yuji's strength it might be enough to hurt a regular person. It's as if the idea of letting go terrifies him, as if he feels like he might somehow disappear and drown in his own misery, or he might just collapse to the ground under the weight of all his own heartache. He doesn't want to keep crying, but it's hard not to when Bakugo - when Katsuki is offering him solace. The others do, this isn't an isolated moment, but Yuji is keeping so many secrets for himself and Gojo-sensei that it's hard to admit it all to anyone else. It's hard to allow himself to speak in real words the hell that he has found himself tied up in, Sukuna's laughter an echo in his mind.
Eventually, the tears do stop, but he doesn't let go of Katsuki, doesn't let himself do anything except lean into him and rest his body against him, taking a little control back. It's a softer embrace now, less sad and desperate and more filled with gratefulness and a flickering sense of contentment and joy, knowing that they're safe together. That they're able to take care of one another, that when he needs it, Katsuki will be here - and Yuji will be here for him, too. It's especially true when he feels that little smile against his body.
Yuji smiles all the time, bright and brilliant, some real, some fake, as if the idea of not smiling would curse others. Katsuki grins, but his smiles are rarer, and Yuji is glad he gets to have this little one for himself, even if it's just for a fleeting moment. He's happy, to have a friend like this, even if he doesn't think he deserves it even a little. There is no world where he would ever be a good enough person to have people like Katsuki and Megumi and Raidou and the others in his life. There's no way he's a good enough person to be this loved.
Nodding his head, he breathes out a shaky sigh against Katsuki's body, eyes still closed, voice a little hoarse from the tears and the new cotton feeling in his throat. ]
Isn't it about time I cried happy tears around you, dandelion? [ He's still gripping at his shirt... He's definitely ruined this one for the day. ] I want the first time you see me next time to be a Yuji who can smile at you, though. So that you know that I held on for as long as I could, and I did the best that I could, and in the end I was a hero of my own making.
[ That it wasn't from Sukuna's powers, or eating his siblings, or from borrowed strength. That he can use what he has, that only he has, to bring Megumi Fushiguro back and save the centre of his entire universe. ]
You can still hit me and call me stupid, though, dandelion.